holiday couture

I had conceived of writing about the different holiday things that did ultimately come up after I jumpstarted the holidays with my Scrooge-y rant. I thought I'd go on about my resistance to push, shove, and elbow others in the crowded streets or at the mall and how I don't feel the need to scurry around like that. Isn't it just a means to solidify relationships into the next year?

Well, I thought I wanted to write about that, but I keep hitting a wall. I feel like I don't really care. I don't really want this forum for personal expression anymore. I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes it's nicer to be anonymous. It's like hearing the neighbors through the wall. Make of it what you will, but it's not the truth.

Speaking of anonymity, I write short on-line film reviews. After I was involved with screening movies for a local film festival I posted a couple reviews about some of those flicks on IMDb. Out of nowhere I received a personal message from one of the actors who was in one of the really dreadful ones. He was offended, pissed off, and whatever about my opinion of the movie he was in. It really caught me off guard. I was so taken aback I almost felt uncovered from behind my IMDb moniker. I wrote him back to smooth over whatever injury he had to his pride. Strangely, he wrote back and felt comfortable enough to share how right I was about the low quality of his movie and how unprofessional the producers and crew were, and on and on. I don't know what it was but with a small bit of diplomacy on my part I gave the guy an opportunity to vent a little.

What does that have to do with the holidays? I don't really know.

It's hard to be sure of anything, growing up in one of those Easter-Christmas presumably Christian homes, where the occasional redemptive rush to church in the early morning seemed to excise my mother's demons in the off-season. It's hard to know what to take from the holiday when what you've quietly known since you were a child and began to speak up about as a teenager is that your beliefs don't coincide with what you were being fed. It's hard when the traditions are fun, taste good, and the like. It's hard to give it up just because you are repulsed by the commercialism from a standpoint that mass-marketing, pop star sell-outs, and big conglomerate buyouts make-up the news of the day and it just doesn't go away. It gets worse. Nothing becomes more about family or more about friends or simpler around the holidays. The wolves pound harder on the door and the sales get brasher.

Phew! It seems appropriate that the New Year will be met in a new apartment with a few less things after another personal purge.

I need a change.

candy store

In one of those writer e-mail newsletter subscriptions I get was an article entitled "Creativity: Overcoming Too Many Ideas Syndrome". It involves the writer who finds themselves so overwhelmed by inspiration that they never seem to finish anything. As clunky a title as it is, I can fully relate to the concept of starting one new idea after another and then moving on. No closure, no fruition.

I was once told by a film school buddy of mine that some writers like being in "that" world so much they don't want to leave. I don't know if it's exactly that, though. I get so much out of the creative process. Sometimes I'm just not sure of the value of finishing. Building up the stack doesn't really seem to get me anywhere. All dressed up with no where to go, so to speak.

The thing is that I have plenty to say and I never lack a place to go next. There's always another story for me to tell or for me to go back to tell in a new way. I have never really had a fear of the oft-spoken about sophomore slump that affects filmmakers and musicians alike. For example, think of Kevin Smith's "Mallrats" as an example of a flick rushed out much too quickly or Terrence Malick's "Days of Heaven" given much too slowly.

It's not so much about finishing something that really gets me. It's about giving it up to the world. Well, sort of...

The best example is what I've done with this journal. I've written about four or five entries during the past couple weeks and have had little or no inclination to post them. I find it sort of peculiar. Perhaps it's about the give and take with the instant commentary and analysis, the lack of reciprocation, the want of opening up and exposing parts of myself, but feeling ultimately needy, empty. And I'm left wishing many of my readers would be so bold. I think it's the actor's sensitivity: standing alone under the lights, quelling up with uncomfortable emotions, while the audience sits their critiquing.

The main difference is that this is me. I'm not playing a role, except the one I play everyday. I am the perception of who I think I am, of how someone like me walks through the world, of how I see every movement and thought. True, that's all siphoned through me before it gets here, but putting it out without the guise of created character and interwoven theme like I can do in fiction is something I am hardwired to avoid.

I've heard it said that "blogs [yuck] are for bloggers [double-yuck]" and the presumed audience is secondary, but I've always written with an audience in mind. I used to write personal journals in that same way, as if with some overwrought expectation that one day they will be referenced in some bombastic memoir.

Yeah, right.

hypocrisy 2

Just got this through my Filmmaker Magazine e-mail newsletter:

"WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? Just in time for the holiday season, Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me) brings us a Christmas tale that is sure to cause some controversy. What Would Jesus Buy?, directed by Rob VanAlkemade, introduces Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping's Gospel Choir to the big screen as they load up their bus for a cross country trip and attempt to save people from the holiday season's rampant consumerism. The film is much less silly then it sounds, and actually brings forth several issues most people forget to think about this time of year, such as how much consumers really spend, the risk of debt, and what the big chain stores do to local economies."

Thank you!

balance beam

Years always draw to a close for me in a similar personal fashion. Like many, it's a time for personal spring cleaning: dusting off the old identity, cleaning out the mental closet, wiping off the counters of my soul, and all sorts of other mixed metaphors that quickly ensue.

The hustle and bustle of the holidays always overpowers such efforts toward taking stock. Since I was a kid, there was always a part of me that felt that December was a wasted month. Better put, it didn't really exist. Everything quickly becomes the year-end wrap up, as if the year's eulogy is offered prematurely. Does life really cease? Sometimes parties overtake general workplace agendas. Everything seems to take a backseat.

So, befitting one who enjoys eating his cake and complaining about the frosting, the holiday season moved a foot forward this past weekend as I took in a holiday-themed matinee and the holiday tunes eased themselves back into the music library blend on the computer (one such tune found itself awkwardly placed between some country song and Rage Against the Machine).

The matinee was a stage performance of "Bell Book and Candle". The film version starring James Stewart, Kim Novak, and Jack Lemmon was one of the first five movies I ever saw. The movie always had a special place in my heart, and it was in pretty regular circulation when I was growing up, along side the original "Miracle on 34th Street", some artificially colorized version of "A Christmas Carol", and "It's a Wonderful Life". For some reason my mom would always call it "It's a Good Life", lacking any irony or cynicism. I'm sure that says something.

film library

"You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy"
-Eric Hoffer


I'm moving.

Streamlining.

Parting with a large percentage of what was briefly an impressive movie library that was accumulated through some expenditure and rolls of (now antiquated) VCR tape that I used to buy every two weeks in the bulk 10-Pack. Surrounding myself with the "ownership" of movies and stacks of books about film and filmmaking does not represent my love, passion, and involvement in the art.


I do.

what hypocrisy

hypocrisy (n.) a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not.

Thankgiving is gone.

The polishing of leftovers has wound down.

It could not have gone away fast enough, because we must make room for the next consumer driven holiday to kick into full swing. The turkey wasn't even thawed, much less pre-ordered by the time one of the local radio stations had begun spinning all of the holiday favorites. In fact Starbucks, that tenacious wet Gremlin of a company, started the holiday season by November 2nd.

More on that later.




Having the supposed minority opinion around the holidays (PC code word for Christmas foremost and Hanukkah as the occasional afterthought) makes it imperative to shut the hell up as everything begins to glimmer with predictable end of the year glow, marked by sale signs, Santas, and sanctimony. The holiday specials with the celebrity of the minute decked out in all of their shot-in-the-middle-of-August red and white (pardon!) gaiety are aired in defiance to quality and taste.

Christmas is one of those things that leech itself underneath the surface of your consciousness from a young age. It usually begins with an innocent enough visit to some shopping mall knock-off of this old mystical philanthrope lard ass whose story reads a lot like the boogieman with a stable full of pets addicted to meth. It's ingenious to plant all of these lies into children, whether it's Claus or Christ, because they are apt to believe absolutely anything they're told.

For me the trouble arises when I try to stop playing contrary and nestle up amongst all of the Pagan baggage the season offers. Giving in means hearing the Christians babble on about the reason for the season, almost as if they "won". Meanwhile the cash registers ding, the credit card rates sky rocket, and the tinsel glimmers almost gold, emitting the true reason, which is to enter the next quarter sitting pretty. Every year, it's the same thing, as our culture's over-emphasis on consumption and materialism continues milking that same cash cow of Jesus' supposed b'day. I would love to see the same fuss being done for Martin Luther King, Jr's holiday which is right around the corner and maybe serves us up a single day off from work and a poor whimper of register action. Why not combine the two and have a greater big ol' gift giving, shopping extravaganza?

It's like a disease, this Christmas thing, when under the command of tradition and expectation people either do too much or too little, or in my case adapt enough or spoil everybody's good time. A drive through any neighborhood in the greater West Palm area will demonstrate that even some Jewish folks feel the need to get in on the gauche holiday home decor action donning their strings of blue lights across their gutters. We hike up our electric bills, chop down forests, add to landfills, and clutter up one another's life in some misfire effort to do what? Perhaps to find redemption for a year's worth of relationship negligence. Maybe this is just Valentine's Day without the sex.

But seriously, I really love this time of year: the graying of the clouds, the chilling of the air, the hum of the heater, and the fall of the first snow. The seasonal change is an absolute necessity and a validation of the arc of life, and the normal gloominess is more honest than what we get where I live. Florida has very little resemblance to any of this and I have to stir up memories of my youth to retain some grasp. It's not all bad, right? There is something to be said for the strains of a Christmas song quelling up inside your head that first time of several hundred you'll hear it. Maybe a kiss under the mistletoe is sweeter and softer than one under a bare ceiling. Perhaps hot chocolate is better with a group of friends. And there is something to be said for hearing from an old friend out of the blue in the brevity of an end of the year card.

I think the problem is that this is all a manufactured reality, a dictated normalcy.

The first week of November I was sitting inside a Starbucks that looks very much like the one in your hometown. This has sadly not been an uncommon evening during this past year, as an obscene amount of my bank account has paid some latte maker's rent. Halloween had just dissipated, and what should appear all across the windows of this location of that coffee-music-dishes-dessert-games establishment but Christmas paraphernalia. And holiday tunes were the entirety of the playlist. See, it's a disease and this year it consumed the entire month of November. But I know how it works, they were not piping in those tunes to enhance some advanced holiday spirit. No, this was a backhanded means to shuffle Christmas CDs and other seasonal product off the shelves.

I often group Starbucks together with Walmart, but I have had a much easier time boycotting the latter. On the other hand people seem to denigrate my distaste for entering those Starbucks establishments, which I have taken to coping with quietly at this point, by countering with the like of comments about how well they treat their employees.

That's not really the point. They represent a bigger problem of the mono-culturalization of our society, wherein the biggest variety between different Starbucks locations is its placement in proximity to William-Sonoma or the Pottery Barn. I suppose this place is there to offer a false sense of home, but they are as inconsistent as they are insincere. There's even something about each and every Starbucks employee that I have ever encountered that harkens back to "The Stepford Wives". But I keep going in, slapping down the cash, and guzzling their adequate beverages. I think rationalizing is the instant response to doing the wrong thing, so I won't bother doing so.

I appreciate going against the grain. This is why I understand when my brother-in-law swerves to Judaism in December and my father-in-law closes himself up away from all the hype like a modern day Scrooge. I realize that I will still dress up that artificial tree we bought last year, move the Christmas songs back into the music library, and give into more and more trips to Starbucks with friends and family. I give into my reluctance, not because my principles and perspectives have no merit, but because sometimes it's better to not rock the boat or be a killjoy, and to let majority rule.

Bah-Humbug!

dream some

I received an e-mail from a colleague yesterday that was sent to a heaping helping of his filmmaking compatriots about a really unique filming opportunity he'd heard about. It involves living and working on a documentary shoot in Antarctica over the course of two months, much like "March of the Penguins", "Deadliest Catch", or the "Planet Earth" series, starting next week. I actually pondered this prospect for a bit, but I realize that even though my technical skills are growing, I don't suspect the full breadth of them could surface under such climactic duress. But given the ironing out of certain logistics, it does make me wonder if this might have been the sort of thing I need to resolve a number of the gnawing issues in my life.

Issues like my yearning for somewhere beyond the reaches of my backyard, because living in this small college town frequently gets to me with its limitations and predictability. I know that I belong elsewhere and this place is merely a waiting room for the rest of my life. My mind often wanders to the bigger and better opportunities that might exist in places like New York, Toronto, London, or even New Zealand, Minneapolis, or Austin. The far reaches of the globe are merely mirages in my vision and beyond my grasp, but I feel displaced.

Or there's my need to tweak my technical skills and overcome my failings. I learn really well in a trial by fire setting and nothing could be a better instant education than filmmaking on the high seas near the barren wasteland of Antarctica. I know that's too much adversity for me, given the film that I was going to work on in January may have been a place to tweak some of that, but many other things dictated that choice.

Then there's the disconnect I feel with my family. I think about the common bond between my father and my brother. They both spent time in the Navy and they both are sailors at heart. Would living and working on a ship with my uncertain sea legs have meant anything to better relating to them and feeling a kinship I never receive while trying to divert attention from weather conversation with my dad or incongruent banter I'm likely to have with my brother?

It's the easy answer to look outwards for some quick fix to the disappointments in one's life. I know this whole mess doesn't sound like "my kind of thing", but I'm always trying to alter other's expectations of me. I do envision these pirates with cameras hanging out on board this frozen metal deathtrap that is far more suited to someone else. The fact that I'd even consider it unearths truths about what I wish my life looked like. I long to see the world, to live somewhere where people would actually care to visit, to become a stronger filmmaker, and to find a means to connect with the hopelessly distant people in my life.

Is that too much to ask?

mending fences

After an internal tug-of-war and with much anguish I closed the book on that film project set to roll in January. Since then I've been tossing the whole mess around in my head. Instead of spotting defeat as I stand before the rubble of this lost opportunity, I see a small personal victory. As immodest as that may read this mere footnote in my life feels like a turning point.

I'd like to think I have gained a semblance of control over my life. I've spent so much time selling myself short with my self-deprecating humor and urge to please that it was time to open my eyes wide enough to actually see a dilemma, a choice. I do wonder what my decision to not do that film means. What's next, really? The New Year is coming. I feel like I need to make plans, to have some concept of what will disappoint me at the end of 2008. What can I decide to do, to be, to act like, to see, to have, to [other verb] during this year that will define my perception of self at the other end of it?

blood ties

Thanksgiving...

It's that all-American establishment promoting gluttony and excess, antiquated in a time of expansive obesity and gross impoverishment. Few really need to bulk up for the winter months ahead like bears preparing for their hibernation. We gorge ourselves silly on starches, sweets, and overstuffed meat. We pick, nibble, and grind on our bonus guest who clearly didn't RSVP in time to get a place setting. The tryptophan stands as both the perfect punishment for fowl consumption and necessary panacea for long periods with one's family. The loopy relaxation works well with families like mine whose sharp edges are concealed just under the surface of a veneer created from years and years of ritualistic tolerance and civility.

I went into the holiday hoping to see things with the theoretical new eyes I've been adjusting to for the past month or so, perhaps looking forward to some new wrinkle or alteration only visible through these other lenses. Mostly things were the same as usual, with everyone fulfilling their expected role, hitting their mark at the right beat like a stale performance in a long-running play. The first bite of cooled-off food followed grace, a blessing offered to "their" God, with the predictable pre-meal jab toward my deference. They always try to point out that I'm different in their under-handed fashion, this time expecting that I have something to say that goes with this particular holiday, as if I must be a member of some cult who has a special chant to open the official turkey slaughter day.

Sure, the day was predictable. There's a known significance to sharing a meal with someone. This common experience often creates an attachment and bonding. With my family I see things differently. There's an awkwardness and discomfort associated with the fancy dining room table, the cloth, the candles, and the wine glasses. These are traditional notions from etiquette guides and long-passed eras that tense my shoulder muscles and tighten my belly to the point of hearing nothing but the clink of silverware to china and incite fear of the incidental table cloth tuck where a napkin should be.



I often find family gatherings to be forced, uncomfortable, and out of place amongst a year of spending most waking hours and evening feasts with so many others. It's strange that we go back to give thanks with the nuclear unit in a world with so many new meanings for the word community and family. Leaving the fold and seeing a world outside of the traditional family construct I grew up with has slowly eroded my perception of that as the end all and be all.

burning bridges

"When you don't know where you are going, every road will take you there." (Yiddish Proverb)

My mind has been churning and my stomach has felt twisted over the past couple days. I've felt torn down the middle over the concept of letting go of this new movie. Every turn has left me feeling out of place or even very much in the wrong place. I detect something's not right with this one, but I'm nervous about turning my back on it since this town is limited on its opportunities.

I think it's a risk to say no. I've been flaked out on before and don't want to be perceived like that here. I'm just not sure I'm a good fit for this one. I don't suspect I can get better communication from them, or build a better rapport, or have any of my script suggestions heard, or suddenly become promoted to my agreed upon position. I just don't care, and I have this need to be involved with projects I can be more passionate about.

wearing thin

I finally heard back from the producer of that movie in January. Over the past several weeks it has become a ridiculous game of innumerable scheduling conflicts and limited to no communication. I was beginning to question what this might suggest about actually working with the guy. Then I began to reconsider doing it at all. Just when I started to write him and his project off of my radar completely, he popped back in only to reschedule with me once more.

Against my better judgment, I decided to attend the meeting today. I brought the script, the five pages of alteration suggestions I put together, and some other things I'd worked on, ready to have a good dialogue about this flick we're preparing to work on. Unfortunately all of this enthusiasm I brought to the party was quickly deflated.

The most glaring issue is that he has me assigned to a completely different job title than the one we'd discussed three weeks ago. He made some dumb apology for having given me "that impression". There was never a question in my mind. At our first meeting I made certain he reiterated it for me. I think he's making a mistake. This new job completely under-utilizes my skills and strengths.

I wasn't certain going in whether or not I'd mention my displeasure with the troubled script, in my pre-determined tactful fashion. As our time was winding to a close, and I needed to be elsewhere, I decided to drop the bomb. I would've felt dishonest with myself not even alluding to my tub of ideas I feel can really improve their concept.

I merely asked how different he thought the final draft might look. That about did it. I opened up a big ol' can of arrogant, but illogical, worms with that one. Given the time constraint I mentioned that I could e-mail him some of my thoughts so he could have more time to mull them over. I didn't want to put him on the spot and have him pull together a quick retort.

Unfortunately he got me to make one point, which got a prompt interception of silly, less than logical rambling that culminated with "the whole movie is leading up to the last fifteen minutes". I hate to state the obvious, but all movies are. I decided to jump on the e-mail idea again in an effort to divert attention from the wall my statement hit. I think it's a pretty major flaw. I wasn't even nit-picking. If that's the response I get from the writer's brother, then I just don't know what to do. If anything.

I know what it's like to write with blinders on. The whole world just doesn't get it or some variation. When things are going well, it feels like Christmas morning. Most of the time things are not going so well, though. Creating from nothing and getting all of these elements onto the linear plain of eight and a half by eleven from that more fluid mental place is no easy feat.

A lot of times the average reader misses what would come from a deeper look, however sometimes they're right on the mark but the writer fears their influence. I fully understand the weighty prospect of other people's fingers on your "baby". I've been there! But let's call making a movie with a low budget high school. Well, in my opinion they're going in making first grade mistakes. Maybe that's the mark they want to hit, though. He was damn proud to attest to killing off most of the characters at the end of all of their movies. Can you say cop-out?

time tunnel

I love live music!

Whether it means listening to some one-a-kind performance tucked away on an otherwise sorry compilation CD, tuning into Austin City Limits or CMT Crossroads or the long gone MTV unplugged or VH-1 Storytellers, or simply going to a show, the core of musical passion comes from being near it.

Before last night, it had been three long years since I'd been to a concert. It was October 2004 at Hard Rock Live in Orlando, and possibly the penultimate concert experience of my life. For years I didn't know I was waiting for the Pixies to reunite. It had seemed like a forgone conclusion that I'd never get to see them live, but then it happened. The clouds separated and a minor miracle occurred.

You can always get a sense of people's familiarity with the music at a concert based on their bodily response. There were so many young kids traipsing around and dancing about, clearly introduced to the band during the end credits of "Fight Club", and possibly having full knowledge of the singles collection. I remember having these strange feelings of entitlement, as if I wanted to be there far more than other people, but I know the high school version of me that constantly cranked up the Pixies to my parent's displeasure was hardly in the league of fan that knew them since the Purple Tape days. What is it about fandom that makes people so competitive?

In my mind, it was hard to follow up the Pixies show. Nonetheless, the Shiny Toy Guns concert was a hell of a lot of fun. They are a band on the rise, as they say, with only five years under their collective belt. I'd only first heard about them when I saw their video to the infectious dance-pop-rock "Le Disko" on MTV2 some late night last year. I was absolutely smitten two or three beats in. It was like something pulled directly from new wave rotation, circa 1983.

Some might want to pass off their sound as derivative for this very reason. Although they, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Kaiser Chiefs all wear the synth nature of new wave on their sleeves, in ways they all happen to create more solid albums than their single-heavy 80's one-shots. I was actually quite impressed by the show. The band has a tight if tailored sound on the album, however the true test is on stage and I'd say they're even better in concert.

The opening act was a nice Florida electronica duo called Indigovox, who mixed in performance art with their quite competent dance beats. The singer was a young woman who kept reminding me of pictures I'd seen of Tina Yothers (from "Family Ties") in her later years when she darkened her hair and started a rock band.

The venue was this club called Common Grounds that I think has a fun little history. There used to be a coffee house called Common Grounds. They moved locations a number of years ago, to a location that was previously a venue called the Covered Dish. Now they're a music venue/bar that doesn't serve coffee even though their name remains the same.

Ten years ago I saw the South Carolina funk-jam band Uncle Mingo there when it was still the Covered Dish, which might have been the best "small" show I've ever seen. Their show had so much energy and not a single person in the crowd was still the whole time. I think it was part of their shtick, but I remember their keyboard/saxophone player Jason Moore getting up on a pogo-stick and playing his sax simultaneously. Knowing the sax from five years of school band, I can assure you it's no small task.

The whole time I've been writing I've been thinking about the way I am interpreting live music here. It's assuming the definition of concert isn't merely being in close proximity to someone performing music, because in that case all of the free downtown smooth jazz and guys with acoustic guitars on the street during the Micanopy Fall Festival would figure in. I guess Joni Mitchell was right.

Nobody stopped to hear him

Though he played so sweet and high

They knew he had never

Been on their TV

So they passed his music by

(from "For Free" - 1970)

dawned upon

We don't see things as they are.
We see things as we are."
(Anaïs Nin)

A month ago I wrote this about my friend's party:

It's all shallow chit-chat anyway, often just obligatory due to spatial proximity and not real interest. I hate feeling like I crashed somebody's party when I was invited.

Last night I decided to go to this month's party complete with the eating, the boozing, the music, and the fire pit, and I had a glorious time. The location was the same, but to me it was entirely different.

There are so many issues within my psychological make-up that I have been steadily trying to peel away like old, moldy wallpaper stuck to plaster. It has put me in this odd place of late that has made me feel simultaneously empowered and fragile within my own skin. The guarded, private persona that I've worn as a shield for so long and held at my core is being pried apart by my own volition.

I'm hardly an open book, but I fear what it will make of my creative urges. Over the years I've often thought there's something about self-loathing and depression innately wired into those blessed with artistic abilities and creative proclivities. Might I ultimately cozy up too close to my flaws or carve away one too many scars of unresolved issues at the cost of continued inspiration?

tick tocked

Daylight saving time started again today.

Regardless of its original intent, I think it has become little more than an exercise in altering circadian rhythms, giving people similar mindless tasks, and a means to control the inevitable. There's always the requisite confusion as darkness overtakes rush hour and the systematic timepiece adjustment, but what it comes down to is attempting to harness the biggest pendulum of them all.

We are owned by the clock, yet we fight it with our down to the minute news, our express checkout, our fast lane, our to-go everything, our packages hitting their destination at breakneck speeds, our high speed internet, and all the rest. Being able to move that minute hand gives us great power. It's as if we briefly time travel during this paradoxical sliver of time. In the spring an hour goes forever un-lived and in the fall we have our own sixty minute version of "Groundhog Day".

When I was in grade school I would set my alarm clock a number of minutes ahead in an attempt to psych myself out. If I gave away all of those minutes I wouldn't risk riding my bike onto school grounds after the patrols had departed for class and after the pledge had already been regurgitated. This fuzzy logic never really worked, so I continued to arrive late to school for years to come. These days I try to live by my own rhythms, frequently away from the time clock and nonchalant toward a sleeping schedule, but a clock is always ticking nearby and a life will always be measured in time.

amateur hour

"Comedy is tragedy plus time." (Mark Twain)



We took in some local stand-up tonight at the dimly lit lounge of the Holiday Inn. That in itself has a depressing ring to it. One after another brave, young soul stepped behind the microphone to deliver five to six minutes of material to a small, quiet crowd. It was one of those occasions when you expect feedback to shriek through the speakers, allowing the performer a moment to run away from their flaming crash already in progress with some of their dignity intact. Clearly this weekly comedy show is but a training ground for many years to come of futons and Top Ramen.

Getting up in front of an audience is no easy feat. It must be twice as hard while attempting to stroke a room full of funny bones. The evening wasn't all bad, but as predicted for this sort of thing the end result comes down to averages. Of the ten guys (yes, only guys) that performed maybe three of them were deserving of the spotlight and a few others were downright despondent by the lack of applause, laughter, and love the audience was offering. We were supposedly a "shit audience", to quote one Lenny Bruce wannabe. In the middle was everyone else, who seemed to have either too little material, decent material but no idea when the joke was over, an incessant need for audience validation, the occasional minority "joke" misstep that marred the rest of their set, or some combination therein.

fear mongering

Halloween is here again, playing the yin to Christmas' yang with its overstock of ghosts, goblins, and underage vamps. It's that time of year when children take to the streets in droves in honor of some saccharin revolution and childless adults sit at home at the ready to feed the addiction of the local spawn.

The last time I donned a costume and went door-to-door begging for a hit of Smarties was the Halloween of my fifth grade year. The break in the cycle during sixth grade made it just the pause from tradition that meant I'd never go again, even though plenty of my peers continued through puberty and into their late-teens. I don't really think I missed out, but I think it did create a certain disconnect with the holiday for me.

Costume parties have their purpose, but I don't really need to wear a mask or put on a new visual persona once a year to purge my inner demons. Although, I realize the intent is more toward drunken and disorderly.

I do, however, get into creepy movies.

If there's one thing that makes Halloween for me, it's those unpredictable chills of a good scary movie. Now when I say scary, I really prefer those atmospheric and real world sorts ("Open Water", "The Exorcist", "The Others") as opposed to the obvious sort that are more about shocks than suspense which Hollywood generally peddles.
However, I'm in a different mindset today. My mind is involved with a different sort of fright. I've never considered myself a conspiracy nut, in fact the use of nut there assumes that I'm critical, however, I've been reading You Have No Rights - Stories of America in an Age of Repression by Matthew Rothschild, and it's downright unsettling.

It has to do with the seemingly random, but likely systematic squashing of constitutional rights of the U.S. citizens by the powers that be (AKA "The Administration"). For anyone who'd like to brush up on their constitution can go here, although I can't guarantee it won't be redacted before I publish this post.

back issues

This page has been lacking for me. I started on a high note. Happy stories tend not to ring true. Whatever I'm trying to say doesn't really begin there, anyway. It's all cyclical. And I've hit somewhat of a plateau that I've been coasting across for the past few days. I want to be honest and not merely avoid the words I shared elsewhere. So, I'm tacking some of them to the front of this story already in progress...

[scroll down to find them, if you like]

another one

continue

the cocoon bursts
inside my belly
erratic rhythm pounds
these knees to jelly
stumbling with purpose
bark sliver in hand
bobbing and treading
the river of demand
boasting of labels
and spinning a tale
speaking the language
winding their sails

second that

without prose

stale metaphors
pervade the page
eyes agape and glossy
nose flaring rage
quivers of the grin
near whiskery chin
ink dried clot
at the tip of my pen
thoughts undrizzled
words left unscribbled
digging at dry rot
into this canvas
withdrawn

new one

"Poetry: the best words in the best order."
(Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

October 2002 was the last time I put pen to paper and came up with something I considered poetry. I had been writing for over ten years, but one day I simply stopped seeing any point. I recently met someone whose voracious thirst for knowledge, experience, and interpersonal expression truly inspires me. So, I've decided to jump back on that horse. Here goes:


five to(ward) life

was strapped
to that machine
with a noose
around my neck
forced a smile
across these lips
bound my toes
up with leather
those shackles
of the daily
in small part
removed by
whim.

organic reality

I've railed on reality shows a lot over the years.

I'll admit it. I'm not above it. I couldn't get enough of the first season of "Survivor". I'd say I was the perfect audience member, since I never heard of it until the first night it was on. I jumped right in as a horde of people got tossed off a boat, and were swimming toward the shore of some remote island. It began in this heated, primal, "Most Dangerous Game" way that seriously made me question whether or not people were actually going to die. Not being a particularly avid viewer I sat there in awe, wondering whether Paddy Chayefsky's prophecies for our TV culture were coming true.

Working on the reality show earlier in the year gave me a refreshed perspective. Since it was created to follow the general formula of the more game show oriented reality programming, the bulk of what was shot related to rigidly defined competitions. All of these pre-written, pre-designed, and faux-sporting event aspects made the end result tiresome, laughable, and boring. Honestly what had some spark and edge was everything else. The on-set behaviors, the behind the scenes spats, and generally the underlying currents. Unfortunately none of these things, whether filmed or not, ever made it to airing. I guess some reality shows are actually documentaries with all of the wrong footage in them.

I feel like I got a promotion recently, however, because I started work on a documentary. It's definitely a welcome change from that earlier experience! Let me start by saying that I will only make vague references, if any, to the subject of the documentary on here. It deals with a nationally known story that demands a great deal of discretion, but I'm more than happy to delve into some behind the scenes action for you.

Today's magic word was diplomacy. The actual documentarians I am working with are grad students whose thesis project I am assisting. It's fascinating to watch as two people vie for control, especially when there are clearly underlying weaknesses in both that they are concealing through this exact means. Having only met one of them prior to today, I found it quite a rough terrain to navigate.

Making a fiction film interrupts general society, to say little of the space time continuum. As I look out from inside my second day of a documentary production I start to see an array of things to ponder. First, there's certain arrogance to regular moviemaking, such as the resolve that everyone in the vicinity must remain quiet. You can't interrupt real life like that. You have to take it on its own terms and try to find your bearings within it.

oh, brother

My brother turns thirty-nine today.

I guess since he's somewhere on the other side of the globe, his birthday began many hours ago. I just finished typing out a brief birthday message to him, although I can't be assured that it even got there. I've had problems with e-mails getting to him before when he's stationed on the submarine.

I didn't really say anything of particular note. In fact it was downright generic. Unfortunately the same can be said for our relationship, which has skirted on non-existent many times over the years. He's got his military and his God and his children and his box office hits whereas I've got my occasional unemployment and my doubt and my childfree and my independent films. I suppose its commonplace for family members to have only genetic matter fusing them together after awhile, but it doesn't keep me from wanting more.

scratching backs

My head is pounding!

The cooler weather that beckoned me at my office window has disappeared. The heat has returned and here I sit in the warmest room in the house. A thick comforter covers the window, hanging there like a stark reminder of continually making due, as it blocks out the sunlight and a bit of the warmth.

I'm still imbedded in that other guy's movie script. I'll be meeting up with the producer someday soon, although we've already had a scheduling conflict, since I'll be shooting some footage for a documentary on Thursday. I am beginning to dread our meeting, somewhat wanting to quit this project altogether.

Add in a dash of creepy coincidence for October 23, 2007:

"See if you can find a new way to keep yourself focused, because it's just way too easy for you to get sidetracked today. It's a good time for letting go of the projects that don't enthuse you all that much."

I'd like to think I'm one of those people who can equally see the forest and the trees. I have been trying to figure out ways to offer a few simple points of constructive criticism, and leave it at that, but my job on the movie requires that I over-familiarize myself with the material. I don't want to sound smug, but that prospect is really paining me.

I have no interest in insulting a fellow scribe, but I also don't want to mislead them with false positives. Everything is so competitive and two-faced in this business, but I should hope in the small town, indie context I should be able to share my opinions without fear of reprisal or (dare I say) firing.

ripple effect

I would like to think that I take most everything with a "grain of salt". It's one of those trinkets of sage advice I recall my mother offering again and again during my youth. Sure it doesn't necessarily mesh with my tendency to over-analyze, but it does extend to my discomfort with set beliefs and so-called answers.

That being said, I'm not above signing up for a daily horoscope service that day after day fills my e-mail with lies and misinterpretations. Strangely, since I've attempted to become more connected and involved within my own existence they have started to cut through the static and resonate.

This was today's:

"You've got a lot on your mind and your spiritual side may be more fully engaged. Now is a really good time for you to integrate your deepest desires with the mundane reality you navigate every day."

premature emo

emotional detachment (november 1, 1994)

feelings concealed - hidden from the world's eyesight
wind rushes outside like the start of a cold, winter storm
inside things are not much different, but more like autumn
i feel cold inside - cold & wanting - but i shall not say.

people don't really care as they once did ...
the walls come caving in - my heart collapsed
my feelings tumble down & become scarcely seen
am i free of the burden or left all alone?

now that my emotions have left & i am alone,
i must wait -
waiting for patience as my feelings once had ...

so here i sit, washing my faith with dishonesty -
dishonesty to myself.



Sure, the writing is a bit clunky and self-important, but it is a reminder of life when everyone else held the strings.

aged verses

Recent posts by my friend "Pallid" got me thinking about dusting off some of my old poetry, which I used to scribble down with some frequency. My early love of music got me writing the lyrics to bad unrequited love songs during grade school, then I moved on to the middle school protest phase when I started to see a world outside my own, and high school was likely my most furtive and stream of consciousness period. One of my girlfriends at the time was a brilliant, young poet well-deserving to be published, and quite an inspiration.

So, without further ado, I will begin with the origin of my on-line handle:

static eclecticism (november '98)

brightly

lit

room

of

frozen

energy

flowing into

a discourse

of unrequited

presence

peering through

jar lidded

slightly subtle

balls of crumbling

humored

essence

spent

righteous arms

of a babbling, babbling

rumbling

dot (.)

Even though it may seem like a lot of jibberish, it actually is a statement on something specific, but I will leave it open to interpretation.

parallax view

Eating an artichoke takes a lot of effort.

I spent many childhood dinners confronted with that peculiar green thing lying dormant at the edge of my plate. One at a time each leaf is removed. The soft end of each is dipped in warm, melted butter. The sample size edible vegetable that makes up the tip is nibbled off then the process repeats. Eventually the molested leaves have become a pile of refuse in a bowl at the center of the table. You're left with the prize, the core, the heart.


Life is full of artichokes.

We've passed the third week of October. The weather has taken a plunge by a very few degrees, but I sit here with the window open and my office curtains blowing in rhythm with the wind. Most of the year, I hate everything about living in Florida. A few times per year when the climate starts to shift it begins to feel like it was worth all of the toiling through the baking temperatures, dry mouth, and sweat.

The script for the new project has finally gotten under my skin, and I continue to have misgivings about it. Unfortunately the closer I look and the more I peel back the layers, the less I start to see. Based on my conversation with the producer he seems proud of the project and what it can mean for his company's future. He told me he was interested in hearing my opinion, but I don't know what to do because I doubt he expects the assessment I presently have. God, I'm tired of working on projects that seem like replications of below average fair targeted at an audience that must have amnesia to enjoy such tripe.

I have a friend who I met many years ago in a writer group, which he joined soon after being bitten by the writing bug. He went into screenwriting with minimal knowledge of the craft and had only seen a handful of movies. Very little about his early efforts indicated that he chose the right pursuit, but I still took him seriously and gave him the suggestions that I deemed appropriate. Since then life has gone back to normal for him. He's still got his wife, a couple of kids, a few scripts under his belt. In a way he's gotten the urge to pursue screenwriting out of his system.

There is something to be said for seeing things yourself, and gaining your own clarity. Being supportive is complicated, because it means standing side-by-side someone even if you predict failure and then again when they hit that wall you saw coming. The sun is rising on my sister-in-law and she is seeing things with a clearer vision after taking several nose dives into the unknown which I had seen as fitting of her impulsive nature.

I've often wondered at what cost experiences are worth the failure. There's a quote on my bulletin board that reads, "Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm" (Winston Churchill). Five long years have passed since the last time I metaphorically broke my neck from leaning over the edge too far. Experience and knowledge become power after a while, but sometimes a bad experience can make you walk around everywhere on your tip toes.

fourth wall

I read a screenplay yesterday.

This is not an unfamiliar task, given I am a screenwriter myself. Okay, I consider myself a screenwriter. There's something about the title that suggests that which I write sees the light of day upon a screen. This has yet to come to pass, so I continue to burden friends, family, strangers, and colleagues with my properly hole-punched attempts at art. If it's not art, then it's a prediction of theoretical art.

Art is a curious thing.

I called a childhood friend the other day. It was very much out of the blue, and in keeping with my new found attitude. We'd known each other since the fourth grade and developed a passion for film around the same time. Coincidentally we lost touch when he went to film school after college and I dropped out and began paving my own path. A couple years ago our lives intersected again, and it wasn't long before one of us dropped the ball again.

He's working a nice, stable, non-creative, industry job in the City of Angels. He was talking about having a family and all of those other buzzwords of paint-by-numbers maturity that make me gag. He offered his opinion on the instability of artistic jobs. Since art is so subjective it's ridiculously difficult to determine whether someone is doing a good job.



So, after a bit of lobbying my self-worth to a local producer, I have secured another film job for the middle of January 2008. With each project that comes along I invest myself deeper and deeper into it, making every effort to buoy the filmmaker's vision.

Tuesday afternoon I sat down with this producer for the first time. I hung onto the laurels of the first impression I predicted I made via my e-mails and spoke with ease. There was a decent rapport between us. He told me about the professional level equipment we'd be using, quoted me an approximation of the budget, and told me he'd get me the script in a few days.

I read it. And I've thumbed through it a second time. I'm disappointed. There is a surprising investment of cash behind this project. All I can see are the under-written characters, the poorly presented plot, and the lack of a point. It's hardly the worse thing I've ever read, much less worked on, but the budget would assume something more.

Financing suggests art where I see none.

third eye

Over the years, I have spent some time burrowing myself within the comfort of my home. In essence, I'll sit there waiting for something to happen, for opportunity to knock, for life to call me up for a date. Instead what's really happening is that it's all getting farther and farther away due to my low level of participation in it.

Now there's a point when every day feels indiscernible from the last. Eating starts to feel like a chore, but snacking begins to feel like the day's high point. Predictability and routine dig in deep, gouging away at the capacity to enjoy anything. I start to have noticeable patterns as I drive to those same boring places again and again. The turn signal is hit at the same time, each time. I keep getting caught at the same traffic lights. Conversations start to exhibit the same structure they always do. My contribution to them is solely response. And the bills just keep coming, dwindling away the funds, preventing any change to the status quo.



But I've had enough!

So, I'm starting over, cleaning my slate, turning over a new leaf, turning a new corner, or otherwise starting anew. Turn up the amps, because my transitional montage sequence has begun.

second coming

America is a culture of materialism, entitlement, and ownership. Everyday we live within the confines of the frontier attitude of obtaining more and more, of plunging our stars and stripes into the face of the moon or through the hearts of the oppressed.

What better way for a regular citizen to celebrate this than by caving in to a false sense of self-importance and scouting out a plot of cyberland to nail up a billboard of themselves? That's all this is. Self-indulgence.

But I live by enhanced feelings for the worth of my own expression. I'm a writer. Sure, everyone with a pen or a keyboard can call themselves a writer, but I have squandered a stable future on it. It lays there at the top of my résumé like a beached whale, a grotesque vision on the eyes that interviewers never ask about.

Even though I deftly define the skills involved that apply to the asinine day job that's on the table at any given juncture, they bypass it for one of my innumerable short term positions. Perhaps they don't even perceive writing as real work since I don't have a boss to answer to or always a paycheck to cash. Maybe they're jealous that I can go to work naked, even though I never do. Come to think of it, I'd probably make a nice hunk of change in court if they did ask about it. Or they could read writer and have misconceptions based on the chain-smoking, binge drinking that frequently represent the field in films ...

first taste

The piggy bank ran dry this week.

This is not unfamiliar territory. My life is often a precarious situation. Leaning over the edge of nothingness reminds you what really matters.

This couldn't have happened at a more appropriate time. I tend to go through cycles of inspiration and disillusionment, enthusiasm and depression, and insomnia and exhaustion. For some time I've been caught in first gear, splashing up wet mud, watching as my dreams disappeared over the horizon ...

f-f-f-fake it

previously published by me elsewhere:

I really suck at maintaining this blog.

I have several friends who post all of the time. It's so much more interesting to read theirs than to write one of my own.

Most of the time my life feels too empty to remark on.

I woke up around 5 AM. I was awkwardly positioned across our couch wearing last night's clothes. The remote control was poking into my ribcage, probably shooting cancer through my flesh. Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath was on the TV assuring us of his washed-up career by hosting the infomercial for the "Buzz Box", a radio friendly alternative CD collection.

I feel strangely refreshed from my sleep.

It couldn't have possibly been long enough, given the expectations of so-called health professionals. I do the math, but I have to count back first based on the last thing I remember watching. I didn't even remember watching TV. Maybe I was just flipping channels. Either way I went narcoleptic for a stretch in my own private Idaho, thankfully without having to be outdoors.

I wash down a glass of water, contemplating whether or not to grab more sleep. I'm not tired in the least, even though I must be running on about three and a half hours or so. It's nothing a couple cups of coffee can't cure. I'll make some in a couple hours, maybe when I think about sleep again. There's a system to spacing out your caffeine intake that just works.

But what's the point, anyway? I have a plain life, with minimal exertion. I went to a party last night. My whole day was building up to this, as if having anything scheduled starts to feel like busy. The problem is I didn't enjoy myself in the least. One of our friends has these low-key gatherings at his house every month with twenty or thirty people and eating, drinking, music, maybe a bonfire, but most especially drinking.

It's frustrating. There are always familiar faces who have been there previously, but they're consistently strangers. Any conversation at one of these seems all but forgotten by the next. It's all shallow chit-chat anyway, often just obligatory due to spatial proximity and not real interest. I hate feeling like I crashed somebody's party when I was invited.

That's not all, though. What did I say? My life is empty and plain. Wow, I must be great at parties! Truthfully, I have an ability to fake a better mood so if there's something wrong most people's radar completely misses it. It's an easy trick when doses of sarcasm are a regular guest, and not just representative of an irksome state.

Unfortunately like putting powder and rouge over bruises, it doesn't actually change anything except appearances. It turns out that a new coat of paint works just as poorly. We splashed a few coats onto our kitchen and living room of our rental last month, after four years of residence in hopes to introduce a new vibe and pleasure to coming home.

This isn't home, though.

I'm not sure what it will take to be satisfied with my life. Perhaps control. One of my friends tuned me into getting free daily horoscopes in my e-mail from this site. On a lark, I signed up for the whole gamut, and 95% of the time they are way off the mark. Half the time I delete them without looking.

I took at peek a little while ago at one that goes into more specifics about the general cycle of life, love, career, and whatnot. I was intrigued to find this being said in my career section. "Your quest right now is this: Does the end always justify the means? If you're in doubt, don't cock the trigger."

It always comes back to career with me, whether it's dealing with small town malaise, working long hours for free or literal peanuts, being seen as an un-hirable risk at regular day jobs, or going from one pointless endeavor to the next. There's a miniscule film scene in this town, who strangely do not all know one another, so I keep finding new people who are making the same crap elsewhere. I'm in the midst of trying to sell myself to these newly found folks, but what's the point? I'd like to think there's art in the process and not just the product, but what if it's just another ugly piece of crap no matter which direction you throw it?

Should I just fake it? AGAIN!

empty pallette

Our ultra-reliable 2004 Honda Civic ran out of gas yesterday. Strangely it happened in the parking lot directly outside of our townhouse. It was comfortably parked and we were all set to go meet our friends across town. There was little more than a brief yelp from the engine, a couple sputters, and then nothing. Our automotive neglect put us at a standstill, as the closest thing we have to a child passed out from inadequate nourishment.

high hopes

previously published by me elsewhere:

I am adrift, yet again...

This is not unfamiliar territory for me, but my wish is that every successive time I turn a corner and find myself here I'd know better how to handle it.

The news of my show's theoretical cancellation has been confused by several postings on its official website. Those specific season two announcements that have been there for several months remain side-by-side vague references to speed bumps in the proverbial road that just barely explain why we've had reruns on the air instead of the remaining episodes we shot, as well as the ones we didn't.

Did we ever have an audience besides the people related to the show that would require this information?

Predictably I always tuned in, or at the very least recorded it on my primitive VHS device. Sometimes it felt more like somebody's vanity project than a real show, but I knew most of the people in the credit scroll and had privileged knowledge about what never made the final edit and should have.

But that's not all...

I'd been slogging through a mean stomach virus the week I first received the call about the show. I also happened to be polishing up a sizeable application for an important screenplay contest. Those dark comedy moments aside, due to years of perseverance and commitment things were finally falling into place. Right?

Who the fuck am I kidding?

My life is far more like that dark comedy than the serendipitous romantic tale I'm trying to spin. The show's gone kaput and I've just been christened the proud recipient of yet another rejection letter for the cellar walls of my little jaded soul.

To truly survive it you've gotta either have a great fuckin' sense of humor or a masochistic streak a mile wide, or a bargain bin combo pack. I'd prefer to simply leave my proclivities open for interpretation.

There are times when I've felt in control, such as while I was marshalling that loveable slew of deadbeats together to shoot the movie last summer within some complicated scheduling. And then again I'll often wear myself out treading water, presuming that I'm actually waiting for something to happen.

I guess it's a forest/trees, big pond/small pond sort of deal. These dichotomies were not lost on me during my recent visit to the Big Apple.

The nice corner apartment my cousins have has several large windows overlooking several different buildings on either side. For a moment during one of the afternoons, I stood at the center of their living room peering out through the breeze-providing open shades through multiple other windows as other people's lives hung on display like a work of art in progress. I felt like the fascinated, obsessive voyeur Jimmy Stewart portrayed in Hitchcock's "Rear Window".

I was quickly drawn to one of the writing tablets I'd brought with me, inspired toward several hours stream of consciousness scribbling.

Yet one step out the front door the city was in charge. My high-end amateur Sony 5.1 digital camera was no match for the big city, which instantly dwarfed my efforts to capture it as if everything I knew about composition and the like was erased and all I could do was point-and-shoot and hope for the best.

I see this as a metaphor for my struggle.

company secrets

previously published by me elsewhere:

It was about twelve hours into our trip to New York that I heard the news about the television show I've been working on. The word cancelled didn't come up, nor did the less stifling "permanent hiatus", but it appeared that I wasn't going to come back from our trip to another week of racing drama. Sure, we'd been on "break" from shooting for a number of weeks, but it seemed as though we were caught coping with one of those communication breakdowns.

I had joined the show partially on a whim, as well as due to the good graces of one of the producers. As I slowly shook off the shock of several miserable episodes and a concept that hardly sounds like my stein of beer I really took a shine to the work and to the crew I was working with, only to now feel like it has taken the same turn as several other projects I've devoted myself to.

Granted I was only working for peanuts and two predictable meat and potatoes meals. Maybe all I really have to show for my time is a silly baseball cap I wore for protection from the outdoors and swarms of gnats, a couple of blackened toenails, and a deep farmer's tan, but it still felt like something stable and worth my time. It's too bad certain key people had other intentions in mind, which I would gladly go into had I not signed away my life with all of that obligatory legal paperwork.

. . . leavin' today

previous published by me elsewhere:

The distinct stench of Fritos put up a fight against the mint scented chewing gum occasionally sticking to my dental work that I was using to keep my ear pressure at bay. The air conditioner blew what felt like the exhales of every unhealthy passenger that had spent time inside the cabin, or at least that's how my mildly hypochondriatic tendencies see it.

As the flight began its decent into the New York area, I could feel my heart palpitate a different rhythm as I was overcome by childlike giddiness as ant-size New York and northern New Jersey came into view. Through the smudged window I could see the tightly constructed residential neighborhoods and industrial regions with their railroad tracks headed in multiple directions like something out of the original version of SimCity.

Once on the ground the quick paced movement, rather foreign to the laidback Florida sensibilities I feel surrounded by, feels so full of purpose and intent. New York represents regular life, only amplified, and I happily became a part of it as we moved to the front of the line that was waiting for a taxi into the city. As the cab jerked in and out of traffic on the Long Island Expressway (L.I.E.) my eyes were wide, taking it all in since our visit was going to be all too brief.

As we drove into Brooklyn every turn became reminiscent of a sequence from a Woody Allen film, easily imagining the leaves falling behind two or three people immersed in intellectual conversation. Walking along those same streets later on felt exceedingly unreal to me, as if I was stepping along a Hollywood back lot. However, the spuriously blown trash on the ground and the chained up potted planters were recognizably the sort of details Tinseltown tends to neglect.

For me there's such a romanticism, mystique, and sensual allure to city life to the point that I often overlook the very ordinary things that go on everywhere. Even still it doesn't make me feel any less interested in becoming a face in that ever-growing crowd.

flight patterns

previously published by me elsewhere:

Like something lifted directly from some hackneyed, non-invasive, mainstream stand-up comedy routine of the mid-eighties, Friday saw the wife and I standing in line at the airport. Yes, that old standby punch line for when housewives and the family pet are already booked elsewhere sneaks its way into my writing.

We were slowly shuffled through like some perverse beef cattle ride into Disney, stripped down to our socks and bare feet, shaken empty of loose change, gum wrappers, and other shiny objects that might entice us to do evil. What other place would your shoes come off and all of your private pocket possessions be placed into a plastic bin for close examination? Oh, yeah, probably prison. Thank you Homeland Security!

On the other side of the X-ray machine and personal parcel conveyer belt everything seems such a blur. The sedative begins to take effect, and we're left stumbling about aimlessly like an infant who's just learned to walk, in awe of big crowds and shiny things, roaming about with a minimal sense of direction. It's as if you come to the airport and unlearn all of the knowledge and common sense you possess outside those walls.

We give up absolute control and offer our trust to these strangers in form-fitting fashion faux-pas, hoping they won't drop us out of the sky once we're picked up and pray we'll be brought our snack and blanky before we get too cranky.

What a strange, infantile, semi-humiliating experience to pay money for.

starting oveur

previously published by me elsewhere:

Surely I exaggerate, but I feel as though everyone around me is having a career crisis, as if it's the epidemic of the day.

Now I'm no foreigner to such an event over the years, being what I am. Depending heavily upon my strength of self-esteem I have called myself the likes of that all-encompassing artist, the gorgeously noncommittal filmmaker, the simplistic misunderstood writer, as well as opposite of "this" (i.e. this day job isn't really what I am).

And all of this has been on the chopping block at one time or another. However I have completely no idea what I would have given it all up for, since without my aspirations I don't really know who I am.

But as suspect as this following of dreams really is, not everyone has that to turn to in times of inner-crisis. Some people's job-related dreams don't involve long periods of unemployment. Image that!

There are some people who believe in the concrete, and don't let everything they choose to do merely satisfy whims of one's ego. There are realistic hopes and dreams that relate to a work environment fulfilling one's ideals, whether it's how it affects society, the structure of management, or the intelligence and compatibility of one's co-workers. Like in any relationship, if you can't find what's important to your core you're bound to go elsewhere.

The new is interesting. The new is different. There's something about, as they say, the new and improved and clearing the proverbial slate that is both invigorating and terrifying.

When I was in middle school, and even high school, I used to wish I could move away. I longed to go somewhere no one knew me so I could make a better, improved first impression on everyone. I felt so ill-placed in my own little world that practically becoming somebody else would make it all better. I suppose I am simply my own cross to bear, regardless how unnatural this notably religious metaphor lays upon my shoulders.

I guess it was like after college, when I moved back to the Orlando area. Besides being where I essentially grew up, it had been the hot spot for my sordid early college adventures, so to speak. Obviously it would offer more than the quiet, little Gainesville. Clearly there was a good reason to return.

Well, yes and no.

Three years later and it was right back to Gainesville, which was far more a daunting change than Orlando for me. It felt like running back to the simple life from a failure in the "big city", and even worse was moving there simultaneously with my sister's family as they sought a place to put down roots. Roots! That's what happens when you've seen the world, and it's time to settle down.

Around that time, I had chatted with a close family friend about the transition back to the old, the overly familiar, and she quoted the old saying about entering the same river twice (Heraclitus, by the way).

I have a friend who went north a few years ago, and has been seriously considering returning "home" to Florida. Its human nature, or at least harshly American to see the failure, the animal with its tail between it legs, in such retrograde.

Over the weekend I had a conversation with a friend, which included our seemingly outlandish thoughts of relocating to Canada. Then someone at a party was talking about giving away all of their possessions and living off the land, which I suppose would be some sort of faux-Buddhist cleansing ritual.

Wouldn't it just figure that I watch Michael Moore's new film "Sicko" yesterday? Fantastic stuff, but besides the obvious intentions of the film, it left me feeling like moving out of the country wouldn't be such a bad idea. Canada, sure. England, sure. France, what the hell. Add in those requisite feelings of sandpaper rubbing across vital organs that July fourth had on me this year and that blind patriotism always offers. It really felt like the country was celebrating the birth of someone who had long since died, which I tell you is no reason for fireworks.

Maybe it's not only career crises that plague many around me these days. Maybe it's a general swelling of transitional behavior that I feel receptive towards. An old friend considers coming home. A new friend moves to art school. A close friend works through their career options. Another 'finds herself' halfway across the planet, away from all that is familiar.

These are not really new realizations for me. I know the only constant is change, and all of that blah-blah-blah, but for me sometimes walking through life feels like drudging through wet cement. If you stop for too long, you're stuck.