hazy shade . . .

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Thanks to the brilliant early 1990s comedy of Groundhog Day, February second can now become synonymous with a day for self-analysis, reflection, and taking stock. Even though I had barely thought of it, as I slugged back my coffee and watched as Phil took a look for his shadow in clips on Good Morning America, the day had much in store.

By the time it all hit me, it really didn't surprise me in the least that this horoscope would land in my lap:

Since last August, you may have been dealing with the farewell process of Neptune leaving your sign. For some Aquarians, it was a battle for boundaries.

If you feel like spending the day in an ashram in a seated lotus pose, no one would blame you. This is the final day in your lifetime that spiritual Neptune will be in Aquarius. You’ve hosted the dreamy planet since 1998 and it’s allowed you to evolve into a person of great depth. Tomorrow, it moves on to Pisces and your money house, helping you find your soul purpose—and profit from it. Spend today in reflection: how have you become more enlightened over the past 13 years? Acknowledge yourself generously: it’s not like this has been the easiest journey, but you’ve made it!

(96)

dragon's breath

One week ago, on January 23rd, the Chinese New Year ushered in the Year of the Dragon, traditionally considered the luckiest of the Zodiac. May that be the case.

(84)

small wonder

Working at Radio $hack, I am on the front lines of watching consumer electronics batter a whole bevy of things into oblivion. So many things the geeky chain once stocked have been forced to a couple rows in the back of the store, moved to the website where other niche needs go to die, or disappeared altogether. I hear about it everyday, from my heavily low-income and elderly clientele.

I am forced to sell the future and trade-in the past as everything goes wireless and distractingly fast. I often tire of being on the cutting edge in this way. I like old, dusty things with a glow of patina and distinctive charm. Deep edged inconvenience has done the world fine for eons. I wonder when enough is enough. I imagine a time when people have just plenty of newfangled devices and enough attention deficiencies that genuine human interaction is a thing of the past. Science fiction has been threatening it for years, and eventually it will be right.

(72)

baker's dozen

My horoscope from Tuesday, July 19th:

If a recent project isn't turning out the way you'd anticipated, it's time to use your built-in escape route. Implement Plan B like the brilliant superhero you know are. A great opportunity is coming soon -- flex your flexibility!

The official auditions were a major disappointment, to be certain. But the production itself has been in full swing for some weeks now, as the behind the scenes team has been underway with work, ideas, and steadily building the show's momentum. Given the material, it seems apropos to allow it to morph organically.

Aesthetically the skeletal structure of the animal that encompasses this play's production team is growing thick and sturdy. As for the meat and the heart of the production, I am feeling set on half of my cast - both of which were in one manner of speaking or another, personally hand-picked and not due to the open call. Communications back and forth with my (tentatively) other two cast member considerations has been with ease, but less frequent than I would hope it to be.

Today marks two months until the show opens.

This makes me a little uneasy, given how challenging this material may be to pull off. My last show was assembled in just shy of three months rehearsal. By comparison, most of the production credits did change hand about five weeks out. The show was about unstable mental states, which certainly accounted for a lot of the dramas that went down outside of production.

This show is about core needs, like sex, eating, and music. A party, by comparison.

training wheels.

I work for Radio $hack.

When my acquaintance-friend first recommended I apply my knee-jerk reaction was wow, are they still in business? It took plenty of willpower and trust in myself that I would be able to harness my innate ability to find diamonds where only shit and zirconium exist.

Even a cursory search through Yelp or other citizen review pages shows the conceit that company's reputation is miserable at best. The job itself is constantly in the war zone. For some, we are hated on par with car salesmen and telemarketers. The huge turnover rate is well known and the store I work is no exception. I have seen the passage of three of the original employees who pre-dated me, five others in the meanwhile, and we're awaiting the introduction of our third store manager. A desperate hunt is underway after the complete burn-out of one and the legally questionable activities of another.

We are the skeleton crew with a figurehead of a quickly promoted co-worker who has my tenure beat by only four or five months. I have plenty reason to believe I might do a better job. All of my recent work horoscopes I get from my horoscope e-mail newsletter of choice have suggested I resurrect the ol' resume and keep in mind the bigger picture implications of my present situation . . . .

past participle

Often I will let slips of paper, jotted notes, and other such wallow away in the folds of my wallet. I ate a fortune cookie about two weeks ago, capping a wonderful meal of take-out Chinese. It told me, 'You should be able to undertake and complete anything'.

For as long as I can recall, I have saved these tiny slips of prophecy. Until recently I had a collection spanning about fifteen years worth of Asian outings, innings, and happenstance. They were a simple representation of a functional pessimist searching for something elusive and beyond his means. At times the secrets hidden inside the sweet treat would seem perhaps my only positive thought for the day.

Ever since I was very young I have struggled with intense bouts of depression, disappointment, reservation, and the presumption that I must be living someone else's life. Growing up I felt many times like an unwelcome visitor, having to earn his keep or quite literally be left at the side of road somewhere. A lot of my upbringing instilled in me this need to shy away from and hide all of my human qualities. I have had uncountable experiences over time when this life, this flesh, this reality felt too ill-fitting to be remotely real, as if I were the victim of Nicolas Cage's 'Face-off' or Sam Beckett's leapt into body of the week. It takes a lot of effort to fight back against that and to be far more who you are than everyone's designs upon you.

Eight months ago I got a job at the local airport. It was a miserably hot Florida day. The interview with the district manager went long, since he seemed to enjoy speaking with me so much. Afterward there was some volleying between different management types as to who would be offering me the position. Obviously I realized this was a very good thing, but there was a lot of unnecessary waiting involved. I kept making quiet glances at my cellphone, which kept clicking along past the point of no return. Since I live in a college town, everything revolves around campus and the sight of a city bus in the vicinity of the miniscule airport is but a drive-by every hour.

As mentioned previously, this job proved to be a short-lived purgatory that echoed of much of my past. The place was run by a female overlord with too much to prove and a fierce God complex, and who felt inclined to teach personality. The second in command was a weak-willed workaholic who spun around his constantly duplicated daily life with such precision and who in ways reminded me of my former father-in-law. The rest were just a sad lot who lived by a stifling script.

I can't.

Not anymore.

My current job had shown itself upon my life like some sort of glimmer of sunshine through dark clouds. The cattle call interview process seemed to peg me against high school kids and retirees. I am glad I held out, though, because most days I feel like I belong there. It taps into an interesting cross-section of facets of my knowledge, interests, and skill sets.

But everyday when I step away from the building, I know there's more to come, and change afoot. Sometimes I look up briefly and sometimes I breathe it in. Staring back at me, reflecting off my windshield as I put the car into gear, is the traffic light at the intersection of Main Street and 16th. As a veritable gypsy at heart and traveler deep in my soul, I know I am at the center of what's now and what's next, but more than ever 'here' feels like home.

And when I pass by
don't lead me astray
Don't try to stop me
Don't stand in my way
I'm bound for the hills
where cool waters flow
on this road that will take me home
-Mary Fahl, 'Going Home'

all mine

I recently got around to watching the near-perfect TV show 'Six Feet Under'. The timing just seems right, as I'm deeply in this realization that my life is all mine. The last several episodes included a foray into the whole concept of personal renovation, pouring down new foundation, putting up brand new scaffolding, and the like. In the context of the show, it is a satiric play on seventies self-help, but there's certainly something to chew on.

Horoscope for 4 June 2010:

You have a unique opportunity to fix or eliminate from your life anything that isn't functioning well, from clutter and disorder in your home to your broken television to an unhealthy relationship that no longer makes you happy. Even long-held attitudes and beliefs, especially self-defeating ones, are called into question under the current energy. You have lots of transformative energy just waiting to be used effectively; the focus is on positive progress. Your normal levels of perception are heightened now and you're able to turn an eagle eye on yourself, your life and your relationships. Take advantage of this time -- get rid of anything that's blocking you, your creativity or your growth. Life is supposed to be about moving forward, learning and incorporating what works, as well as eliminating what doesn't. Cleaning your house is a good place to start, since it acts as a physical manifestation of what will ultimately be a psychic cleansing. It also has the added benefit of turning up old, lost items! This is a general theme now; all kinds of lost and forgotten things, feelings and so on will reveal themselves to you.

hidden meaning

I sometimes take to seeking deeper meaning in objects, interactions, synchronicity, and sometimes simply words. My wallet is one of the few things that I take everywhere I go. It's such a frequent inanimate companion that I really notice the difference when I don't have it with me. I don't have much money, but I guess there is something about toting around one's presumed identity and access to at least a little cash that stands for something.

I used to keep pictures there. Older models had pictures of nieces and nephews, girlfriends at the time. More recently I had a few old pictures of my wife, although her image remained young while she aged. This is primarily because all of the photos of the last 6 years have found their way on to the computer and never into my wallet.

It's strange the things we decide to keep with us. Some of them are 'just in case' and others hold a personal resonance beyond words. For a while now I had been keeping an Oregon state quarter in there, since it crossed my path at just the right moment of heightened excitement about moving across the map to that place called Portland. It seemed to invite the richness of promise and hope where it was faltering. It seemed to be 'here' only better.

Today, while standing in line at the bank, I remembered that I had also kept a horoscope I had jotted down at my favorite local coffee shop where they often post the daily ones. I thought maybe it would tell me something about the present moment, since it was in that moment that I was reminded of writing it down in the first place.

September 16, 2009 - Aquarius
When faced with a haystack the only thing that matters is finding the needle. You have a tough task, but everything will be fine.

mini wheats

Dear Static,
Here is your Work Horoscope for Wednesday, July 2:
Sometimes being a brainiac is a liability, and this is one of those times. Go on instinct alone. Your emotions can overcome details that your intellect gets stuck in like quicksand.

There are so many unsettled and out of control things swirling about in my life at present that this could conceivably be applied to several of them. Food for thought.

Or perhaps not!

losing amy

When in need of anything else, life will offer you closure.

Today I got some closure. I heard from my friend and partner about the stage adaptation I wrote for a favorite film. "They" offered an emphatic, 'no'. I understand the fears that may manifest themselves. There's the concern about another bunch of fingers molesting one's baby, and all that. It's too bad, though. I feel that there will always be a throne between the successful types and "Us", who they once were.

I'll admit it was a long shot.

There's always a long shot involved in putting forth effort without a known pay-off at the end. I see clearly, though. For me, the pay-off was finding my way through writing an adaptation for the first time, sending a stamped self-addressed envelope to a famous figure of pop culture, and getting to spend more quality creative time with my good friend.

As it turns out, there's still a slot open for me in the next theatre season. Now I have to figure out what I want to direct. Given the passion I felt for this lost material, it's going to be a challenge to discover something that hits me the same way, but I need to find it quickly.

So, any suggestions?

--

Added a couple hours later:

This was my work horoscope for today -

"You don't need a vast and riotous victory. A little success could still give you a small glimpse of happiness. So focus on the smaller issues and leave the broader ones for tomorrow."

Well, I found it interesting, at least.

scratching backs

My head is pounding!

The cooler weather that beckoned me at my office window has disappeared. The heat has returned and here I sit in the warmest room in the house. A thick comforter covers the window, hanging there like a stark reminder of continually making due, as it blocks out the sunlight and a bit of the warmth.

I'm still imbedded in that other guy's movie script. I'll be meeting up with the producer someday soon, although we've already had a scheduling conflict, since I'll be shooting some footage for a documentary on Thursday. I am beginning to dread our meeting, somewhat wanting to quit this project altogether.

Add in a dash of creepy coincidence for October 23, 2007:

"See if you can find a new way to keep yourself focused, because it's just way too easy for you to get sidetracked today. It's a good time for letting go of the projects that don't enthuse you all that much."

I'd like to think I'm one of those people who can equally see the forest and the trees. I have been trying to figure out ways to offer a few simple points of constructive criticism, and leave it at that, but my job on the movie requires that I over-familiarize myself with the material. I don't want to sound smug, but that prospect is really paining me.

I have no interest in insulting a fellow scribe, but I also don't want to mislead them with false positives. Everything is so competitive and two-faced in this business, but I should hope in the small town, indie context I should be able to share my opinions without fear of reprisal or (dare I say) firing.

ripple effect

I would like to think that I take most everything with a "grain of salt". It's one of those trinkets of sage advice I recall my mother offering again and again during my youth. Sure it doesn't necessarily mesh with my tendency to over-analyze, but it does extend to my discomfort with set beliefs and so-called answers.

That being said, I'm not above signing up for a daily horoscope service that day after day fills my e-mail with lies and misinterpretations. Strangely, since I've attempted to become more connected and involved within my own existence they have started to cut through the static and resonate.

This was today's:

"You've got a lot on your mind and your spiritual side may be more fully engaged. Now is a really good time for you to integrate your deepest desires with the mundane reality you navigate every day."

f-f-f-fake it

previously published by me elsewhere:

I really suck at maintaining this blog.

I have several friends who post all of the time. It's so much more interesting to read theirs than to write one of my own.

Most of the time my life feels too empty to remark on.

I woke up around 5 AM. I was awkwardly positioned across our couch wearing last night's clothes. The remote control was poking into my ribcage, probably shooting cancer through my flesh. Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath was on the TV assuring us of his washed-up career by hosting the infomercial for the "Buzz Box", a radio friendly alternative CD collection.

I feel strangely refreshed from my sleep.

It couldn't have possibly been long enough, given the expectations of so-called health professionals. I do the math, but I have to count back first based on the last thing I remember watching. I didn't even remember watching TV. Maybe I was just flipping channels. Either way I went narcoleptic for a stretch in my own private Idaho, thankfully without having to be outdoors.

I wash down a glass of water, contemplating whether or not to grab more sleep. I'm not tired in the least, even though I must be running on about three and a half hours or so. It's nothing a couple cups of coffee can't cure. I'll make some in a couple hours, maybe when I think about sleep again. There's a system to spacing out your caffeine intake that just works.

But what's the point, anyway? I have a plain life, with minimal exertion. I went to a party last night. My whole day was building up to this, as if having anything scheduled starts to feel like busy. The problem is I didn't enjoy myself in the least. One of our friends has these low-key gatherings at his house every month with twenty or thirty people and eating, drinking, music, maybe a bonfire, but most especially drinking.

It's frustrating. There are always familiar faces who have been there previously, but they're consistently strangers. Any conversation at one of these seems all but forgotten by the next. It's all shallow chit-chat anyway, often just obligatory due to spatial proximity and not real interest. I hate feeling like I crashed somebody's party when I was invited.

That's not all, though. What did I say? My life is empty and plain. Wow, I must be great at parties! Truthfully, I have an ability to fake a better mood so if there's something wrong most people's radar completely misses it. It's an easy trick when doses of sarcasm are a regular guest, and not just representative of an irksome state.

Unfortunately like putting powder and rouge over bruises, it doesn't actually change anything except appearances. It turns out that a new coat of paint works just as poorly. We splashed a few coats onto our kitchen and living room of our rental last month, after four years of residence in hopes to introduce a new vibe and pleasure to coming home.

This isn't home, though.

I'm not sure what it will take to be satisfied with my life. Perhaps control. One of my friends tuned me into getting free daily horoscopes in my e-mail from this site. On a lark, I signed up for the whole gamut, and 95% of the time they are way off the mark. Half the time I delete them without looking.

I took at peek a little while ago at one that goes into more specifics about the general cycle of life, love, career, and whatnot. I was intrigued to find this being said in my career section. "Your quest right now is this: Does the end always justify the means? If you're in doubt, don't cock the trigger."

It always comes back to career with me, whether it's dealing with small town malaise, working long hours for free or literal peanuts, being seen as an un-hirable risk at regular day jobs, or going from one pointless endeavor to the next. There's a miniscule film scene in this town, who strangely do not all know one another, so I keep finding new people who are making the same crap elsewhere. I'm in the midst of trying to sell myself to these newly found folks, but what's the point? I'd like to think there's art in the process and not just the product, but what if it's just another ugly piece of crap no matter which direction you throw it?

Should I just fake it? AGAIN!