After an internal tug-of-war and with much anguish I closed the book on that film project set to roll in January. Since then I've been tossing the whole mess around in my head. Instead of spotting defeat as I stand before the rubble of this lost opportunity, I see a small personal victory. As immodest as that may read this mere footnote in my life feels like a turning point.
I'd like to think I have gained a semblance of control over my life. I've spent so much time selling myself short with my self-deprecating humor and urge to please that it was time to open my eyes wide enough to actually see a dilemma, a choice. I do wonder what my decision to not do that film means. What's next, really? The New Year is coming. I feel like I need to make plans, to have some concept of what will disappoint me at the end of 2008. What can I decide to do, to be, to act like, to see, to have, to [other verb] during this year that will define my perception of self at the other end of it?
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