31 March 2011

killing moon

a song from that would be played when you kill someone


When I initially posted my 30 post Song Challenge, each cursory glance at the list would have a couple of key signposts. One of these was this one: a song that would be played when you kill someone. It really is in glaring opposition to many of the other subjects, but really part of the inherent challenge anyway.

Maybe it's due to my cinematic sensibilities or maybe I am just a bit twisted, but there is something very beautiful about the whole matter. I think there is a delicate balance created in the eloquent stickiness of creating life and the thought of creating death under the same terms. No one gets to choose their entrance into this life or their exit strategy, generally.

Feeling civilized and evolved gives us a holier than thou attitude when it comes to assigning death. It is seeped deep within our nature to do the most primitive things, but many of us just resign ourselves quietly to our more civilized natures whilst sending others off to squash that cockroach, kill our food, and hunt down our mortal enemies. But it's not mass slaughter or food processing that really springs to mind when I ponder all of this. It's the intimate face-to-face primal passion spiraling out of control that intrigues me.

Opening with a single bell hit and seemingly narrated by clear toned dark vicar Nick Cave, listening to Red Right Hand is akin to a religious experience. It shuffles along at a steady pace, intensifying in subtle bursts, complete with a tight structure and supposedly highly improvised lyrics. If you're committing suicide consult the Smiths, but if it's someone else entirely then it's Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds that you need.

.   .   .   .   .

Take a little walk to the edge of town
Go across the tracks
Where the viaduct looms,
like a bird of doom
As it shifts and cracks
Where secrets lie in the border fires,
in the humming wires
Hey man, you know
you're never coming back
Past the square, past the bridge,
past the mills, past the stacks
On a gathering storm comes
a tall handsome man
In a dusty black coat with
a red right hand

He'll wrap you in his arms,
tell you that you've been a good boy
He'll rekindle all the dreams
it took you a lifetime to destroy
He'll reach deep into the hole,
heal your shrinking soul
Hey buddy, you know you're
never ever coming back
He's a god, he's a man,
he's a ghost, he's a guru
They're whispering his name
through this disappearing land
But hidden in his coat
is a red right hand

You ain't got no money?
He'll get you some
You ain't got no car? He'll get you one
You ain't got no self-respect,
you feel like an insect
Well don't you worry buddy,
cause here he comes
Through the ghettos and the barrio
and the Bowery and the slum
A shadow is cast wherever he stands
Stacks of green paper in his
red right hand

(Organ solo)

You'll see him in your nightmares,
you'll see him in your dreams
He'll appear out of nowhere but
he ain't what he seems
You'll see him in your head,
on the TV screen
And hey buddy, I'm warning
you to turn it off
He's a ghost, he's a god,
he's a man, he's a guru
You're one microscopic cog
in his catastrophic plan
Designed and directed by
his red right hand

(Organ solo)

He's a...

He's mumbling words you can't understand
He's mumbling word behind his red right hand.

30 March 2011

lover's spit

a song that makes you think of kissing

kissing is like drinking salted water: you drink and your thirst increases                               - Chinese Proverb

There are many types of kisses.

There are the gentle kisses given lightly on the tiny feet, fingers, and foreheads of newborns. There's the quick, first kisses given on the playground or in the closet adjoining a classroom. There are the on the cheek greeting kisses given in many cultures and between friends and family. There are fumbled farewell kisses distributed in closure. There are kisses on hand, pecks on the cheek, and Eskimo kisses. There are tucking 'em in kisses. And there are lifeless kisses given anywhere but the lips that indicate the evening is going nowhere.

This is not about any of those.

Think of those that you have kissed - the good memories and the bad, the ones whose names and faces are just a blur. A kiss can be an indication of many things, whether it was the state of relationship or your feelings toward them, all invoked by the way of your mouths interacting.

Drink You Pretty by Placebo

Opening with a vacant cymbal crash that introduces a lonely snare roll and followed by a deep, repetitive guitar line, "Drink You Pretty" is the introductory kissing song. It feels like the moments of hesitation before approaching someone whose lips are calling out to you, whose movements on the dance floor, unheard words spoken or general aura beckon you in their direction.

Down by the Water by PJ Harvey

Then again there are also the passionate, lustful, uninhibited kisses full of groping and tongue that the French would call soul kisses. It's these moments of complete abandon that these songs evoke for me.

"Down by the Water" opens up intensely from the start with Polly Jean's assured, harshly beautiful voice and an invasive rumbling guitar, like an impassioned grip on the back of the neck that brings you into breathing distance of your beloved. Harvey's voice is echoed in tones reminiscent of something out of a seventies demonic possession horror film, suggesting a loss of control and an out of body experience type feeling such as only the finest lip locks allow.

29 March 2011

hallelujah, chorus!!

a song that you only know the chorus to

This took some work.

I listen to this song a lot, but I never ever sing along with anything but the chorus. Why, you ask? Because it's all spotty and Leonard Bernstein-like to me beyond that. It's a terrific song. Simple structure. Beat you can dance to. But something about the verses go in one ear and out the other for me.


(I'm sure now that I have posted this, it's only a matter of time before it becomes part of my on a lark karaoke challenges and this post becomes completely dated).

entre nous

a song that makes you think of your loved one


Your flirt finds me out
Teases the crack in me
Smittens me with hope


In states of intense love, you see yourself and your lover in everything. Your union starts to feel more attached to the fabric of the world. True, there's selfishness and a bit of an ego trip to the whole matter, but it also guides us into concepts of synchronicity and feelings of connection and constant presence in the current moment and time frame. The positives outweigh the negative connotations as the relationship finds its natural ebb and flow.

The orbit between me and my girlfriend began like something out of a charming little independent film, like a dance of gravitational pull steadily in the direction of one another. We have been grazing past one another's lives for years. Our earliest, more direct interactions were in slight but memorable passing. Every instance drew us closer until we found ourselves in surprisingly easily flowing conversation, impressively heard clearly over the pulsating bass of a local favorite club.

I was captivated by this woman from the start. I had never met anyone like her before, and found myself growing more and more curious. I inadvertently interfered in the rebound situation she had with an acquaintance of mine, but I somehow knew that this dude was completely missing the boat on what made her tick. My first impressions were of her beauty, her poise, and her contradictory complexities.

We were both coming out of long-term marriages. The hesitation in our voices and our actions was palpable, but as the hours and the days and the weeks passed underneath our feet it was becoming abundantly clear. Our rapport was too natural, our passion too intense, our ease with everyday things too striking, and our understanding of one another too swiftly gotten to ignore and continue to fight against. We fell hard, but let time break our fall.

28 March 2011

hands clean

favorite song to sing in the shower


Even though its common practice to welcome the day with a cleansing shower while the coffee brews and the sun peeks in through the verticals, my preference is to shower in the evening, after the day has beat across me. I find it healing to sit down to dinner, fully refreshed and ready to relax completely.

That said, most of the time I soften the bed head and rinse away the rheum from my eyes in the morning, in the shower - where I have been singing for as long as I can remember. Hell, I have been showering for as long as I can remember, given the unfortunate fact that bathtubs in rentals are tailor made for shorter folk than myself. There is something to be said for the comfort and relaxation that baths seem to offer, but when 35% of your body can't comfortably submerge, what's the point. I don't think I would necessarily ease back, scrubber in hand, surrounded by modesty protecting bubbles, and belt out a tune, though.

I regularly take to singing very quickly, and it often comes in little spurts as lines of regular life word associate me into lyric land. I feel that when I sing in the shower, songs take a similar shape. Sometimes humming, sometimes whistling, and sometimes out and out singing, but almost invariably complete medley. I know a lot of songs by heart, but have been known to lose sight when a cappella hits - an opening verse here, a chorus there. It's all good. Sometimes I will run through a short song I know well to time out my shower appropriately. Sometimes I will hit up a verse of something I want to try at karaoke, since bathrooms are well-known for their solid acoustics - most recently "You've Made Me So Very Happy" by Blood, Sweat, and Tears, "Right Down the Line" by Gerry Rafferty, "Punk Rock Girl" by Dead Milkmen, and "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.

For some reason "We Didn't Start to Fire" has come up a lot over the years, too. In fact the whole Billy Joel repertoire is easily up for grabs, and makes me wonder if that's where these catchy tunes originate. Each of the Beatles have been in the shower with me, as have the Bee Gees, ABBA, Madonna, Prince, Ministry, Eminem, the folks from "Grease", and so many more. It's been a veritable musical orgy, but I certainly have no favorite.

dancehall days

a song that you love to dance to

For all intents and purposes, I was plagued with being white from birth. Of course this presumes that the old standby stereotype of white boys is true - that we all lack rhythm, soul, and step. It's amazing to me how much these things can seep into your being and one can create their identity around them.

Like Genesis suggested, I can't dance, I can't sing. Perhaps this is because we come from English decent. Maybe what we can do well is brew a spot of tea from tap water, dead leaves and sugar cubes. I held on to the everyone is watching me mentality of a middle-schooler every time I hit the dance floor for too many years. I never thought I could dance because I knew few steps and was hexed with my dull pallid flesh. Even though I could always feel the music pulsating through my every fiber, buzzing my libido, and sparking looseness in my movements, I would second guess my abilities to express these things with my body in public. Self-expression was created for us to demonstrate how we see fit. Turning our structure inside-out and presenting what's hiding within is not for others to dictate and decide how to redesign.

I think first and foremost the dance is between you and the music. I don't only mean the literal music, but where your heart, outlook, and overall attitude lay within your life. I dance more confidently than I did when I was encumbered with depression and overtaxed by bad choices. It's clear why people of a certain age are far more likely to slam dance than others. It's the movement that expresses the emotional state better.


I will dance to nearly anything, unabashedly. I prefer songs I know, because I often like to keep one step ahead of the beat, perhaps in ode to Willie Nelson's singing style or merely my own feelings of connection and co-creation of the experience. There's no one song that represents my favorite song to dance to and I find the prospect nearly impossible, but from my best gauge everything I like about dancing can be found in The B-52's "Dance This Mess Around". It bridges together all of the pleasure at all costs freedom of the seventies with a splash of "Beach Blanket Bingo", a New Wave sound that would prevail throughout the best of the eighties, a tinge of youthful sexual want, and a surprisingly unsettling, moody guitar and keyboard line flowing underneath all of the quirk.

Dance This Mess Around - The B-52's

Remember when you held my hand
Remember when you were my man
Walk talk in the name of love
Before you break my heart
Dance it over
Roll it over in your mind
Why don't you dance with me
I'm not no Limburger...
Just a Limburger

Dance this mess around
Dance this mess around, 'round, 'round

Everybody goes to parties
They dance this mess around
They do all sixteen dances
They do the Shu-ga-loo
Do the Shy Tuna
Do the Camel Walk
Do the Hip-o-crit

Ah-Hippy Hippy forward Hippy Hippy
Hippy Hippy Hippy Shake, Hippy Shake

Oh-it's time to do 'em right
Hey now, doesn't that make you feel a whole lot better?
Huh?
I say, doesn't that make you feel a whole lot better

What you say?
I'm just askin'

Shake-Bake-Shake-Bake

Everybody goes to parties
They dance this mess around
They do all sixteen dances
Do the Coo-ca-choo
Do the Aqua-velva
Do the Dirty Dog
Do the Escalator

Ah-Hippy Hippy forward Hippy Hippy
Hippy Hippy Hippy Shake, Hippy Shake

It's time to do 'em right
Hey! Fred, now doesn't that make you feel a whole lot better now?
Huh?
Say, doesn't that make you feel a whole lot better?

What you say?
I'm just askin'

Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Stop!
Dance on over
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Dance, dance, dance this mess around
Dance this mess around

Shake, shake-a-bake shake
Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
Dance this mess around
Yeah, yeah, yeah........

27 March 2011

sanctify yourself

I love music.

It's a second language to me, one I truly understand and at times the only one I have felt able to convey. Like the way you can sometimes read a foreign language but you'd be hard pressed to speak it with any ease, I know music Biblically without playing it.

Music has a multitude of purposes in my life, and has changed its tone, timbre, and meaning for me as time has passed. When I was first looking through hundreds of ideas for my first thirty post challenge, I continued to come across song challenges, but I felt that I wanted to have the opportunity to write about real things and to have the chance to resurrect my passion for photography. Personally, I feel I succeeded at both.

But music is real to me, though. For years movies were my life and music was my hobby, so to speak. Some of the most evocative movie moments have been due to the music selections marrying striking imagery and/or story and character content. I know I take music more seriously than most people. I will often be the first to note a specific ironically, out of place or not often heard in public song in the grocery or know when a party is dying because the music selection is subconsciously bringing everyone down.

I hear music in everything in life, from the humming of the morning birds, to the din of conversation between friends in the adjoining apartment, or the roar of ocean waves beating the hell out of the shore. I suppose the choice to use the rhythmic and surprisingly musical traffic sounds breakdown at the center of Lovin' Spoonful's "Summer in the City" is one of the reasons I love that song.

My taste in music is wide and quite notably eclectic. I have been known to say that I like so much music I barely have taste in it. I have never understood people's affinity toward one specific artist at the exclusion of all others.


That said here's the next blog challenge I am undertaking:

(01) a song that you love to dance to
(02) favorite song to sing in the shower
(03) a song that makes you think of your loved one
(04) a song that you only know the chorus to
(05) a song that makes you think of kissing
(06) a song from that would be played when you kill someone
(07) a song that reminds you of being warm
(08) a song that you want to play at your funeral
(09) a song that makes you laugh
(10) a song that gives you the chills
(11) a song from your favorite band/artist as a child
(12) a song that you would sing as a lullaby, but isn't a traditional lullaby song
(13) a song that turns you on
(14) a song that makes you fall asleep
(15) a song that you know all the words to
(16) a song that you listen to when you’re happy
(17) a song that you listen to when you’re angry
(18) a song that you wish you could play
(19) a song from a band/artist you hated as a child
(20) a song that no one would expect you to love
(21) a song whose title is a name you would want to have
(22) a song from your favorite album
(23) a song that you listen to when you’re sad
(24) a song that reminds you of middle school
(25) a song that reminds you of your first crush
(26) a song that surprises you that you like it
(27) a song that you used to love but now hate
(28) a song that you can play on an instrument
(29) a song that describes you as a teenager
(30) a song that you wish you had written

saved leftovers

Before I move on to the 30 post song challenge there were a few suggestions for additional posts that I plan to return to later, whether by separate challenges or on their own.

They are:

a picture that can always make you smile.

a picture of death.

a picture of a step in a routine you have.

a picture of a ghost.

25 March 2011

favourite place.

seek solace
sanctuary
in the hidden place
. . .

-björk


While watching the quasi-romantic (500) Days of Summer with my girlfriend last night, the concept of the main character's favorite place came into note, and I began to think about this post. What constitutes a favorite place? Is it the most serene location you have ever visited? Might it be that place that never demands a picture since it's so ingrained in your heart and etched into your mind that you will always have it with you? Could it be a place where you leave important parts of yourself and when the mean reds and the terrible blues have got you feeling off you return there to feel whole again? Is there only one answer?


Years ago I would say my favorite place was the North Sea. I went there in 1994 with my family whilst visiting my brother, his first wife, and my at-the-time two year old niece, in Scotland. Every one of us wore warm clothing to fight off the cool August ocean breeze. There was something very remarkably beautiful about the beach in grey weather that touched me at my core. I haven't been out of the country since. I always liked mentioning it since I was always hoping to be more of the world traveler than I have been thus far. For me it offered an heir of sophistication that I whole-heartedly desired.

Being a writer I have found more than a few important places to venture. The blank page and clickable pen have been my frequent companions through all of the slopes, chasms, and hurdles along the way. At my darkest, I have wished for little more than a cup of coffee and a plate of French fries to go with my word flow following a meandering solo road trip with apropos music choices. In the daytime, whether struck with depression or after an intense argument it would more than likely be a park. There is something to be said for breathing in clean oxygen.

So, where does that leave me?


I have always enjoyed when a place acts as a character in literature, films, and TV. You sit back and watch how everything about a place can change since the people in it have been forever altered. The same is true of where I live right now. I used to visit this same apartment complex over the years. A friend of mine lived here with his former girlfriend. My mind holds a bevy of memories of the thoughts I would have to and from there, pulling off the main road and along the back streets, looking for parking in the lot, and leaving there late into the wee hours of night. Some reasonably unspeakable things happened in that apartment and the life that surrounded it all was very differently colored than the one I wear these days.

That has all been erased, or perhaps more appropriately taped over. Give a place new context, new energy, and its entire reality can change in kind. I live here now - a mere hundred some-odd feet from where my previous recollections found me. This is where I find my solace, my sanctuary, for now. We will move and we will bring that feeling with us. It's important to hold on to your favorite place in your heart and not expect it to be drawn fully from external things.

29 down...

☑ (01) Introduce yourself - INTRODUCE YOURSELF
☑ (02) Your first love - FIRST LOVE
☑ (03) One of your scars - DELICATE SCARRING
☑ (04) Moments that changed your life - PLOT POINTS
☑ (05) Lyrics that apply to your current situation -LYRICALLY SPEAKING
☑ (06) You truly being yourself - I ALONE
☑ (07) Your beliefs - MICRO-COSMIC VIEW
☑ (08) Your special someone - MON AMOUR
☑ (09) Most stimulating thing you've learned this week - BOUND LESS
☑ (10) Favorite smell - FAVORITE SMELL.
☑ (11) Picture of you from your younger years - MINUS TWENTY+
☑ (12) Something that turns you on - TURN ON
☑ (13) A movie that makes you cry - TEAR JERKER
☑ (14) Love - GOSSAMER WINGS
☑ (15) Your last night out - DAY OWL
☑ (16) Favorite fruit - JUICY GOODNESS
☑ (17) 5 things you've lost & where they might be - LOST. FOUND.
☑ (18) Picture of your handwriting - HAND WRITING
☑ (19) Something you don't like - CAN'T STAND
☑ (20) Big purchase you'd make if you won the lottery - THE LOTTERY
☑ (21) Celebrity you'd like in your bed - FAMOUS FUCK
☑ (22) Something you bought from an adult store - PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
☑ (23) Your side of the bed - RIGHT SIDE
☑ (24) Five things in reach of you right now - FIVE THINGS.
☑ (25) List of songs that make you emotional - SAD SONGS.
☑ (26) Anything - SPRING CLEANING.
☑ (27) Photo of you from your last social event - SOCIAL OCCASION
☑ (28) Something irrational that you think or do - RAMBLE ON
☑ (29) Song you want played at your funeral - EXIT MUSIC

and now ....
(30) Your favorite place

exit music.

The song you want played at your funeral post will be the eighth post on the upcoming song challenge. In the meantime, order your copy of the brilliant Six Feet Under.

ramble on

More times than not, what have you been doing when you find yourself apologizing to others?

Perhaps, it's more than one thing. Maybe you spend your whole day going through a series of justifications. I think we all do it one way or another. I say, quit it!

I have been known to apologize after getting more than a couple words in edgewise - a few sentences, maybe - as if I were interrupting the general flow of life and inconveniencing those within the sound of my voice. So many words instead spoken under my breath. Thankfully much of that is behind me.

Why must we apologize for our opinion, our perspective, our sense of humor, and so many other things? Either people are too easily offended, affronted, or sensitive or they are too quick to make apologies for their own existence.

Sorry, but life is much too short for that. Be who and what you are unapologetically, or don't bother living at all.

24 March 2011

social occasion

spring cleaning.

I was scheduled off from work in the early afternoon on Monday and planned to meet an off-again on-again estranged friend of mine for coffee after his perplexing text that included the phrase nothing bad, just wanted to catch up. I sat waiting at a patio table at my old haunt, the primary local hipster coffee, dessert, and kitsch establishment under the cover of the large thong-looking fabric shade they have shading the outdoor portion. The wait time bridged me to the border of boredom, so due to unforeseen plumbing issues on his end, I arranged to meet him at his house instead.

We don't talk like we used to anymore. The rhythms have changed and in some ways, so has the subject matter. We conversed for the better part of fifteen minutes before the Roto-Rooter guy arrived and another five before my friend had another reason to go outside. I continued to wait for the actually something bad to hit, but it never did. Instead, who should I come to see strolling across his front lawn but my long-gone friend from Hawaii, making a completely unexpected and curiously fanfare-less appearance like a reoccurring character on LOST, simply showing up out of context off the island.

She and I go back five years, although most of them were at distance and with limited to no contact. When I first met her she lived in town and we were working on a movie together. To a degree we were the only sanity to one another during those months. Upon meeting, the conversation struck so easily, I was beyond myself. There was an intriguing connection between us, and one that had times of questionable boundaries, primarily in subtext and deeply felt eye contact.

Before Monday I hadn't seen her for about two and a half years. The last time she visited, we strolled downtown for coffee and conversation. There was something about her that brought out truth in me. I would think of my response to something she said and then find myself speaking more fully and openly instead. She drew out unexpected aspects of me from small cavities of my being. There was something about her that I always liked being around, because of who I felt like and ways I felt toward her. I even recall considering making moves on her. I can really see a lot of this in retrospect. My ex was rightfully jealous.

I see a lot of this with my twenty-twenty glasses on. A year before, to disappointing results, I tried to reunite myself with a flickering flame from my college days. For so long I don't think I believed in divorce, fundamentally. I can see that now. I can rally behind the cause of emotional abortion, but would have never wanted it myself. You can wish it upon others all day long, but once it's in front of you it's a war of wills and the loss is extreme.

Fast forward to Monday. Everything has changed. I didn't feel one ounce of the connection I once did. Everything she represented during those brief snippets of time during the latter years of my marriage has become fulfilled by my own sturdier sense of self and a woman in my life who I connect to in a multitude of more profound ways than I have ever had with another person.


I spent maybe seventeen minutes with my old friend. There was talk of several familiar names going to my ex's for a potluck that night. For all of the sordid emotional baggage of that situation, she was always my friend not hers. That's certainly one of the evidences of divorce. Emotional debris. Passive-aggressiveness prevails. Facebook makes it easy to distinguish, and to prove a point. Friends reveal their colors very quickly, even if they'd deny it. Choosing one over the other, acting indifferent to your passing presence in a store, or merely disappearing all together. I am currently rebuilding my friendships from the wreckage of all of this and have begun to prefer the collective that exists now. I wouldn't go back to what was once my life for anything.

23 March 2011

sad songs.

post deferred to the upcoming 30 Post Music Challenge.

five things.

five things within my reach


My reach is long. I can always get the high shelves, sometimes the ceiling, and always that. I write and post these at our dining room table convert of a desk that we will clutter up with a foray of life's everyday minutiae. There are things you can discern from the picture and others you can not. I think I will leave it at that.

22 March 2011

right side

I am a long time insomniac. Now I sleep very well. While sitting at the local hipster coffee cafe starting to write this post, I couldn't for the life of me think of that word. Hypochondriac reared its ugly head, but insomnia - fuck no. I find it strange and also quite telling. Life is far too precious, far too fleeting, and much too harsh a disposition to experience seeped in negativity and under constant duress and dissatisfaction. So, find your place and live it.

pleasure principle

bought from an adult store



Mmm-hmm. I got one of these.

famous fuck

WARNING - this is probably my most TMI post to date

Many couples talk about celebrity crushes and sexual attractions, and others even have get out of jail free cards assigned to specific individuals. There are benefits to this, such as getting a hold of what makes your lover tick sexually, since what excites is generally not stagnant. On the other hand, sexually weak couples use these fantasies and highly unlikely circumstances as a means to appear more open, adventurous, and a suggestion that effort is being made. However, the likelihood this situation would ever come to fruition is like racing greyhounds ever getting the meat. All of the years that I was headed down more of a path toward Hollywood, the chances seemed a bit higher for me to at least encounter the famous faces that interested me. Logistics aside. Over time my celebrity attractions have been many:


Scarlett Johansson - a contemporary sex symbol, for certain. I am extremely attracted to talent and was sold on her in Lost in Translation and Matchpoint.


Monica Bellucci - first saw her in Malèna then hunted down several of her other films, including the exceedingly difficult Irreversible.





Björk - I have completely adored her and her (to most) outlandish music for many years. She seems to encapsulate innocent waif and alien freak in equal measure.




Christina Ricci - she's only a couple years younger than me, so my early attraction to her was not in the least suspect. She's immensely talented and distinctively beautiful.



Holly Hunter - She seems so full of Southern spunk and vigor. I would watch her in absolutely anything, including (in the case of this post) in my bed.



Sunny Leone - Years ago I stumbled upon Howard Stern's E! show interview of this woman. It wasn't immediately clear that she was a porn star. In many ways she defied expectation and unexpectedly I was immediately attracted to her.

21 March 2011

the lottery

What would I buy with my winnings if I were to win the lottery?

It sounds like a line of J.D.'s dialogue from the theoretical overly sanitized made-for-TV version of Heathers when you put it that way.

What would I want?

Coming from a long line of pack-rats, I have since become a bit of a self-imposed minimalist.

I have never even purchased a lottery ticket. The way the we-collective place value is an intriguing matter. Much of it tends to be focused on instant gratification. Why expend fifteen minutes waiting in line at a grocery store to get a pack of Freshen Up gum and some cash back when we can have our greenbacks right freakin' now from an ATM with a three dollar fee that we don't even need to leave the car to secure? We do the same thing with food. Screw buying something on the shelf that looks real tasty for a dollar more when for what we're paying for our whole damn tab, we'll pay for one single evening out. With these cloudy contradicting ideals, it's no surprise that people would gamble. One to five dollars now - millions later. It's like light flirting and a bit of leading on now can possibly lead to an orgasm and a free breakfast later. It's a cost-benefit analysis issue.

What do I want anyway?

Shouldn't I be wishing for world peace or some other lofty goal with my hypothetical cash that will never come, due not just to the fact that I have never played but also the ridiculously sorry odds. And I know Nicolas Cage is not about to share his golden ticket with me either. These sort of questions are always striking reminders of who we really are at our core. Do I desire more riches to go with my riches? Do I want to invest in the future? Do I want to ask the genie for three more wishes with my first wish as a way to be clever and try to trick the system? I like to eat, however I don't think I could dine on a fifty dollar a plate or more meal. It still gets chewed for the same amount of time and leaves our bodies the same as something that costs one-fifth as much. What is one oceanic voyage, one evening, one meal or a one million dollar night with Demi Moore's character in Indecent Proposal really worth?

Maybe my value system is askew. I own less than five pairs of shoes, two pairs of jeans, and one measly disintegrating belt. My thoughts do run to all of the travels I would like to have, all of the views I would like to see, all of the tours I would like to avoid for the back alleys and by-way ventures into the real places that exist past all of the tourism, but I don't know if I should wish lottery upon myself anyway. Aren't lotteries always a little bit more than you bargained for affairs? Monkey's paws. Visions of the draft. That sort of thing. When you get down to it, I guess lotteries are shite.

Cash money is awesome, though. Sure, I wish for certain things, but have found lately that I want for very little. Many of the most important ingredients are already in place in my world and the broth that is cooking is full of the flavors I like.

So, what do you want?

19 March 2011

can't stand


One of the things people have always depended on about me is my innate organizational abilities and the fact that I'm a reasonably neat person. That said, even though it's oddly satisfying, dusting is a really pointless endeavor.

hand writing




enough said.

15 March 2011

lost. found.

Digital cameras have spoiled us. It used to be that we'd have to be selective with the images we capture, the images that would fill our hallways and photo albums, but now we have the luxury of snapping as many moments of time as we'd like since we can go back and delete the bad ones. The truth is we can't delete the bad ones . . .

I wrote that in March of 2007.

It speaks to my current philosophy of life.

This blog has hit on the subject of psychological meandering, social cleansing, and emotional stagnation in varying degrees before. Today's query: five things that you have lost and where you think they went.

(1.) YOUTH

(2.) PAST RELATIONSHIPS

I will stop there. I recognize that I am immediately drawn to the bigger, meatier subjects when posed when this question. Why does my mind work like that? Why couldn't I just ponder that nifty pencil with the cool eraser from the third grade that never left my Trapper Keeper without my say so? Or the Fall Guy lunchbox I remember having, but certainly don't recall discarding.

Frivolities tend not to interest me, so I do end up entangled in what others deem seriousness.


What sorts of things are ever really lost? People move in and out of our lives, love has been known to come and go, jobs are supposedly a dime-a-dozen, and possessions find incidental new homes. What really stands out to me is that the things we lose often open up our lives for significant gains, thus allowing us to reform into stronger, more valuable, more genuine, and better people. Ideally, anyway.

And I think this was a stupid question.

juicy goodness

post 16 - favorite fruit




musically inclined.

I have posted fifteen of my approximately 30 Day Challenge and have just encountered one that's right up my alley and will be incorporated into this blog soon - watch for it:

(01) a song that you love to dance to
(02) favorite song to sing in the shower
(03) a song that makes you think of your loved one
(04) a song that you only know the chorus to
(05) a song that makes you think of kissing
(06) a song from that would be played when you kill someone
(07) a song that reminds you of being warm
(08) a song that you want to play at your funeral
(09) a song that makes you laugh
(10) a song that gives you the chills
(11) a song from your favorite band/artist as a child
(12) a song that you would sing as a lullaby, but isn't a traditional lullaby song
(13) a song that turns you on
(14) a song that makes you fall asleep
(15) a song that you know all the words to
(16) a song that you listen to when you’re happy
(17) a song that you listen to when you’re angry
(18) a song that you wish you could play
(19) a song from a band/artist you hated as a child
(20) a song that no one would expect you to love
(21) a song whose title is a name you would want to have
(22) a song from your favorite album
(23) a song that you listen to when you’re sad
(24) a song that reminds you of middle school
(25) a song that reminds you of your first crush
(26) a song that surprises you that you like it
(27) a song that you used to love but now hate
(28) a song that you can play on an instrument
(29) a song that describes you as a teenager
(30) a song that you wish you had written

---

day owl

Some of my earliest memories were of the night time.

Perhaps I can liken it to the fact that I was born in the late evening. I can recall being jet to the hospital during one of many childhood close calls, lying in my mother's arms, watching as red lights and strip malls smeared past us nearby, everything in those timid tones of seventies Polaroid, or of waking up overnight, bursting out of sleep in that padded sandbox I slept in during my first several years. After that it became late night vicarious literary thrills under quilted cover by flashlight or those restless nights that would find me strung up by bed sheet and covering at obtuse and acute angles across the bed.

It wasn't until I got a bit older that I would embrace my love for the four o'clock hour, when the sky is pitch black and there is a surreal post-apocalyptic stillness in the air. Time slows and recognition of how alone we all are becomes far more apparent or maybe just more within reach. It's a time of day when I have often been more able to get in touch with my soul and inner workings, where I would catch sight of my muse and write freely and live less inhibited. For years there was a small window of pure joy of this sort that the remainder of life could never quite compete and paled dismally to by comparison.

I have been a chameleon for years, blending into wallpaper and disparate groupings of people with aplomb, noticed only by a select view. Recently my brother-in-law, with a lick of judgment, posited that I was no longer the night owl of old. I also don't think I am quite the morning person I have been referred as, either, though. I adapt well. I think there is truth to be had in both. I believe I am in a warm place of personal soulful wellness that has allowed me to live every hour with complete verve.

That said, your last night out elicits thoughts in me about all of the local freebie rags full of college students looking buzzed, drunk, and overcome with cleavage. My life is full, but I don't keep myself overly social and full of alcohol to dull the pain like I have before. I still find my second wind when the moon is bright and drool over the thought of karaoke, which is where my last official night out would have occurred. It was low-key, drinks light on the mixer and heavy on the sting, and brimming with serenade. The pictures I have of it are stuck in my head. The camera comes out more frequently these days, but the sharing with whom-ever factor has dissipated to a point for want of a little more sacred.

that said . . .
a sampling of the results of our sense of romance
& a sense of my last evening out

13 March 2011

gossamer wings

Love is in the air
Everywhere I look around
Love is in the air
Every sight and every sound . . .


Asked to define love, what would be your response?

My thoughts run plenty of directions, but none of them are solid or definitive. There are innumerable types of love. A flurry of lyrics and poetic tidbits make their way through my mind. These are followed by a series of scenarios and ways that love demonstrates itself. Then it rolls to opposition statements, revealing what love is not and what it could hardly mean. We bat around the word when we have little else to say, describing what we think of a band, movie, or flavor explosion.


I feel it arrives at our doorsteps in its own unique fashion, in many ways different for everyone. When we're young we attempt to mimic the ways and means of what we see in our small worlds. It takes time and growth to fully find yourself in its reflection. I have loved much in the past, whether it was favorite toys or high school girlfriends, but with life's changing tides the word hardly means the same thing.

Perhaps that's the point. For each of us, the word means something different depending on where we are on our life's path. A year ago tonight saw the closing night of the last play I directed. Due to more than the challenging intensity of the piece, it was an extremely trying one fraught with behind the scenes drama, but one that offered one-of-a-kind experiences for its audience. For all of the warts and scars of getting there, I absolutely loved working that show. One could perceive that it took me at least eight years of toiling in and around the arts to get there.

The winds had already begun to change for me by that next week. I have come to find that opportunities cross our paths when we are ready for them, whether we are looking for them or not. With this came a love like I have never felt or shared before. Suddenly the lyrics to love songs started to make sense as did so much more. One epiphany moment after another transpired, and my life continues to quake with the ripples of this. The love I believe I felt for the little girl I married in the first grade isn't even part of the same emotion as what I feel for the goddess in my universe now, but I also wouldn't incorporate the complexity of Miles Davis' later years or the aleatoric nature of John Cage into a Music 101 course either.

10 March 2011

tear jerker

I've had a thing for sour candy since I was a kid - Sour Patch Kids, Sour Straws, and the list goes on - anything harshly acidic and tart. Perhaps it was originally to prove my tolerance level was high, but ultimately out of pure enjoyment. Publix grocery stores used to stock big ol' bags of sour gumballs called Tear Jerkers that were all the rage with certain demographic. My response to atomic fire ball cinnamon candy was always a bit more heated.


I can equate my attraction to the intense, lip wrenching candies to my taste in film. I like 'em dark, harsh, and visceral. There's something amazingly pleasurable to me about the squirm factor. However, as I ponder my ability to digest flicks with edge, especially those that are rife with the controversial, mature, and often graphic material, I wonder whether they would warrant the tear jerk response.

Tearjerkers make me think of that gender debate during Sleepless in Seattle wherein it was An Affair to Remember versus The Dirty Dozen. Stereotypes, anyone?! What I realize is that many of my favorite films are several steps beyond that response. They are in ways so painful and saddening to watch that you simply can not respond that way.

The Ice Storm, Dancer in the Dark, Away from Her, and Maria, Full of Grace come to mind. These are pure, devastatingly beautiful films. I know I'm just not quick to emote in this way, but Kramer vs. Kramer hit me that way. On TV it was various episodes of Rescue Me and Six Feet Under that left me numb from empathy. I think it comes down to how much you allow yourself to fall into the world being created. I don't think we need to find ourselves in the characters so much as the potential that we could.

turn on

my turn-on's include molotov cocktails, long walks on the beach, & people who don't litter


The concept of turn-on's stirs up myriad responses and yanks at the repressive strands of my youth. Our culture has always been lost somewhere between the Meese Commission and Mary Carey for governor or Janet Jackson's unadorned tit and Hooters family restaurants. We've clearly all got our proclivities. Some choose to advertise and others are simply in denial.

As someone so far from prudish, the inclusion of anything remotely sexual in this blog is still a completely new prospect. I know there's a whole different person behind these words than the one who started to write five years ago. Over time, I have found within myself a man far more comfortable with many more facets of himself than ever before. I'm not saying that I am about to adjust this blog's settings to block youthful eyes, but I also wouldn't neglect the idea of starting such a page either.

So, what turns you on?

It's one of the seven questions all of the great (and tepid & bland) actors have been asked on Inside the Actors Studio. I don't believe Hugh Grant said hookers in parked cars nor do I recall Gwyneth Paltrow answer the sound of my own British accent, but then again candid honesty is sometimes in short supply.

For someone who has spent so much time behind the scenes, behind the camera, and quietly observing from a distance, it should come as no surprise that I am full of voyeuristic intent. Perhaps sociologically and maybe for entirely perverse reasons I adore things like the blog, 25 Things About My Sexuality. And I love seventies music with its sauntering rhythms that subtly eke out sexuality, signifying round asses in hot pants and sexual freedoms. But turn-on's comes in loads of shapes and sizes. What are those things that wake you up in the morning or disallow you from sleeping at night? They can be your kinks, or merely your passions and pleasures.

A lot of times it's those things we do in secret or what we choose to do when we have a few minutes to spare. I remember as a kid hiding underneath my blankets with a flashlight so I could hustle my way through yet another book. Lately I've been writing more than I have in years, resurrecting long forgotten stories and obviously keeping up with this page a hell of a lot better. I feel totally inspired, turned-on, and my soul's valves feel fully open.

So, what does it for you?

09 March 2011

coming soon

We're having technical issues. Will return shortly.

(01) Introduce yourself - INTRODUCE YOURSELF
(02) Your first love - FIRST LOVE
(03) One of your scars - DELICATE SCARRING
(04) Moments that changed your life - PLOT POINTS
(05) Lyrics that apply to your current situation - LYRICALLY SPEAKING
(06) You truly being yourself - I ALONE
(07) Your beliefs - MICRO-COSMIC VIEW
(08) Your special someone - MON AMOUR
(09) Most stimulating thing you've learned this week - BOUND LESS
(10) Favorite smell - FAVORITE SMELL.
(11) Picture of you from your younger years - MINUS TWENTY+


(12) Something that turns you on - TURN ON (editing)
(13) A movie that makes you cry - TEAR JERKER (editing)

(14) Love
(15) Your last night out
(16) Favorite fruit
(17) 5 things you've lost & where they might be
(18) Picture of your handwriting
(19) Something you don't like
(20) Big purchase you'd make if you won the lottery
(21) Celebrity you'd like in your bed
(22) Something you bought from an adult store
(23) Your side of the bed
(24) Five things in reach of you right now
(25) List of songs that make you emotional
(26) Anything
(27) Photo of you from your last social event
(28) Something irrational that you think or do
(29) Song you want played at your funeral
(30) Your favorite place

05 March 2011

minus twenty+


When I was a kid I really looked forward to going to junior high. By the time I got there, though, the name had been abandoned for middle school, which took all of the mystique and wonder out of the whole affair. I arrived there with a 2.1 mile commute on a bicycle vaguely too large for me, off the heels of winning the seemingly prestigious Kiwanis award for my fifth grade class. I was never gifted or even felt particularly bright, but I did coast along with due effort for some time. I feel this all changed during the year represented in this picture. I was in sixth grade, headed toward seventh, crushing on my first year Reading teacher and in my debut semester playing alto saxophone in the school band.

Seventh grade would be the year my grades, social life, and happiness would take a nosedive. Coincidentally it was also the year I got braces and stopped following in my big brother's footsteps and found a passion for filmmaking and writing. In my spare time I was listening to classic rock, writing science fiction short stories, devouring American Movie Classics and head over heels for a girl named Kelly, who my good friend stole out from under my hormonal gaze.

04 March 2011

favorite smell.


tension tamer:

peppermint
cinnamon
ginger
chamomile
lemongrass
licorice
catnip
tilia flowers
lemon

bound less


I drink coffee every morning. I rarely think about the process of it. When you do something so often it becomes rote. Even the thought of changing up the measurements to make a different amount can be done by eyeballing. This creates a consistency and familiar flavor that makes every cup taste equally as good as the one before it, and more contingent on the quality of the coffee than the expected subtle variation from day to day.

The worst cups of coffee are often those full of mucky grounds. These are those rare cups wherein the process becomes faulty. The beauty behind something as simple as using a coffeemaker is that the filter lets only the good stuff through and leaves behind the unnecessary bits.

It's important to have divisions in life. Boundaries. Unfortunately in the wake of a storm like divorce, the levees don't always hold up and all relationships within their tide can become weakened and murky.

03 March 2011

mon amour


Sometimes words escape me.

I will borrow some.


. . .

We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won
as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly
into the mystic

And when that fog horn blows,
I will be coming home
And when the fog horn blows,
I want to hear it
I don't have to fear it

And I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And magnificently we will flow
into the mystic

When that fog horn blows
you know I will be coming home
And when that fog horn whistle blows
I got to hear it
I don't have to fear it

And I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And together we will flow
into the mystic

-Van Morrison, Into the Mystic, 1970

micro-cosmic view

I don't believe in superstars,
Organic food and foreign cars.
I don't believe the price of gold;
The certainty of growing old.
That right is right and left is wrong,
That north and south can't get along.
That east is east and west is west.
And being first is always best.

. . .

Well, I don't believe that heaven waits,
For only those who congregate.
I like to think of God as love:
He's down below, He's up above.
He's watching people everywhere.
He knows who does and doesn't care.
And I'm an ordinary man,
Sometimes I wonder who I am.
-from "I Believe in You" (Don Williams)


My worldview is insubstantial.


However, five years ago I decided to break ground, creating my own forum to share many of my insignificant thoughts and ideas. Gazing at my arbitrary tags on this blog would offer far more perspective on what matters to me than could any staid belief system checklist. At 100 posts, introspection wins out. Varying degrees of art, delusions of life, and musings on family and friends are not far behind. This sounds about right. These are the things that fuel me, drive me forward, and demand my concern.

Frequently I drive around, noting the bumper stickers people decide to attach to their vehicles. The more you look, the more often you discover that people become a certain collection of thoughts. I feel that people get so quickly swooped into an agenda and a set of ideals. It's one of the reasons I loathe so much politics and the structure of political debate. People blindly stumble for the vernacular and position that suits others like them, often for fear of reprisal. I have spent many years exceedingly irked by people supposedly like me.


I grew up in an environment with parents who changed their political party based on their opinion of the man in the Oval Office and who seemed to use God and religion to prove a point. As a formative structure, it doesn't surprise me in the least that most of my life has been far more replete with questions than with answers. I still think it's important to question and to grapple with ideas. However, I don't take it for granted that I feel far more centered than I ever have in the past. Any of us can say what's important until we're blue in the face, but actually following through with those same ideals is more powerful than the claim.

I remember a very uncomfortable car ride with my brother more than ten years ago. Our opportunities to interact have been staggered over time and he chose this moment to get caught up with me. So, he ran through a bevy of discussion topics like God, death penalty, abortion, and homosexuality. I don't know if I believe these to be the rubric on which one can base their knowledge of another. I think life is much more basic than that, and I choose to connect with people instead of divide myself from them.

I don't care about politics. I have never protested or picketed, but I have signed petitions to whose enactment I might otherwise disagree, because it jived with the party line. These days I am happily less than political and feel far more myself because of it.

What's important is love. I don't care how trite that may sound. From within all of us are a deep swelling of positivity and genuine love that when shared and allowed to ripple from being to being can have the most profound effect. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's indigestion. There are innumerable sorts and ways of expressing it. All I know is I find it impossible to argue with the existence of it, and of any of my beliefs that I hold close and often won't reveal, it's the only one I want to impart and impose on others.

01 March 2011

i alone

self

definition of one's identity, character, abilities, and attitudes, especially in relation to persons or things outside oneself or itself.


Even though I have often considered myself a photographer, my blog has always been focused on the words. Found and supplied images have always been there to support the words. I have begun to gain pleasure from posting the reverse. The original root of the sixth item on the '30 Day Challenge' list was 'A picture of you being yourself'. At first glance it would seem like a very straightforward task: point camera at self and post. Time and experience have shown that our personal compasses are quick to lose their magnetic north.


I am more than how I look on paper.


I am more than the contents of my wallet.
I am more than what's represented by these 200GBs of memory.


I am more than the man I am when I'm in my element, carving art and design from a place there was none before.

I am no single idea or image.

I am all of these.

lyrically speaking

lyrics that relate to your current situation

What I want, you've got
and it might be hard to handle
but like the flame that burns the candle
the candle feeds the flame
yeah, yeah

What I've got's full stock of thoughts
and dreams that scatter
you pull them all together
and how, I can't explain
oh yeah
well, well, you
you make my dreams come true . . .

On a night when bad dreams become a screamer
when they're messin' with the dreamer
I can laugh it in the face
twist and shout my way out
and wrap yourself around me
'cause I ain't the way that you found me
and I'll never be the same
oh, yeah
well, cuz you
you make my dreams come true

Well listen to this...
I'm down on the daydream
oh, That sleepwalk should be over by now
I know that You
yeah, yeah
you make my dreams come true

-You Make My Dreams by Hall & Oates, 1980



Now you've got that song stuck in your head.

Ha.

plot points


I have often pondered the action-reaction principle and the manner in which this sort of thing flows with the amorphousness of life. The moments that have the lasting impact are not always the moments one expects, at least that's my philosophy. One of my, as yet, unfinished writing projects that is dearest to my heart began as a screenplay idea nearly ten years ago.

The kernel of which was this figurative crying baby that kept me up that first night and many since. It has always felt like a bit of an overwhelming opus that I would write measures for periodically over time. So much of it revolves around lofty concepts with interwoven characters. Everything about my vision of it has steadily shifted over time as life has imitated art and vice-versa. The main beats are the key turning points that would forever alter the characters existence. They are at times seemingly insignificant and at other instances dramatically overblown. Mostly it's about how each of these moments could have endless arrays of outcomes and it is within these outcomes that significance lies, which brings me back to the subject at hand.

Picture some of the moments that have changed my life. What DVD chapters have I encountered so far? I think about birth, death, firsts, lasts, beginnings, and endings. It's the meat in the center that means the most, but it always comes down to these lines of demarcation.


Finality is often just a formality, however, and new beginnings are often in motion long before we realize change is coming. For me, this is why life can have so many water-related analogies.


The way I see it, I could probably come up with a dozen significant events in my life that created what was to come up to this point. That might be an interesting exercise, but I don't know what value it would have since a couple months down the road that list could change. What I find is your concept of where you are plays a huge role in determining how you think you got there.