tidal pools

previously published by me elsewhere:

I remember one summer when I was about eight-years-old, sitting in the backseat of my parents' station wagon. We were roaring down the highway in the middle of nowhere during one of a couple summers in a row spent like the traditional image of Americana.

I recall sitting there listening to the deep vibrating hum of a car at high speeds, and whatever familial din filled the cabin. I had this extreme sense of self-awareness as I consciously started to listen to my own voice mumbling inside my head.

I wondered why I was me, and not someone else. Why these would be my experiences. I often ponder similar things, as certain people pass in and out of my life, and others take on unpredicted significance.

This September has been reasonably active in celebrating birthdays. Three people I consider close, for completely different reasons, have had one this month. Two of which have spread their birthdays out over several days, making it seem like much more.

One of those close friends came into my life only a year ago, but the intensity of the friendship came on as quite a surprise. She and I share one of those friendships that don't require a lot of frequent talking and hanging out because you relate on a different level. There's a certain understanding going on between us beyond the whole conversational.

Another of my friends is close in the more traditional sense of the word. She is half of a couple the wife and I have known for three years, who we spend time with several times a week, who we exchange presents with at all of the gift giving times, and that sort of thing. This is truly one of those lasting friendships built by shared experiences and mutual growth.

Tonight we went out to dinner with the third close friend celebrating a birthday this month. We told her several days ago that we'd like to bring her out for her birthday if she was free. So, we met at the restaurant of her choosing, enjoyed a good meal with some above average service, and held some pretty steady conversation.

Her boyfriend is twenty years her senior and frequently Mr. Quiet. In all of the years they've been together I've never been able to determine whether it comes from introversion, or just aversion, but he was there tonight as well. Surprisingly he did come out of his shell a little when a random bit about childhood pranks and mischief came into conversation, but that was about all we could get out of him.

And then the bill came. Sitting at the end of the booth within two feet of our waitress, he was able to do a quick pass of his credit card before we realized the bill had even arrived. How can we treat if someone else pays, right? I hate that whole check grabbing game that sometimes occurs, as the most determined demonstrate who's the more dominant of the species at the table.

That was tonight, but the friendship has been going on for seven years with a lot of lulls in conversation and contact. We like each other's company, and have spent a lot of nice times together over the years. I know that we are good friends even though I can't really express it here, but I can't help but feel as though it's as good as it will ever be.

She's one of the small margins of people who have always been there for me, even when I went through some dark times during this pursuit for the silver screen. I've shared a lot of painful stuff with her, but the discomfort that comes from doing that without reciprocation always takes over.

Throughout the years I always hit a wall with getting through to what's really going on inside her. It's upsetting to think that the friendship will only grow just so far.

I'm left to wonder why certain people grace the frames in your living room and some fill the pages of your memory, yet others remain forever elsewhere.