goddamn dog

previously published by me elsewhere:

I remember a period early on in college when I would frequently be asked if I were majoring in acting. It wasn't as if my Blanche DuBois was in good shape, nor was I particularly suicidal. Nah, I was pretty shameless when it came to saying whatever the hell was on my mind, not giving a shit about what people thought of me, and generally "acting" like myself.

Tonight I was described as stoic by an acquaintance to a few people who I'd never met. It was in reference to whether or not I'd get offended by something that was going on, which got the prompt assessment that I don't get phased by anything. Oh, and that I'm stoic. Supposedly. Perhaps I was expected to take flattery for being described at all, but it does make me wonder if life has hardened me in some disappointing fashion after all these years.

Although looking back it seems like an obvious choice to connect those awkward formative years more directly to my long-term goals, I was not involved in high school drama. Hell, I wasn't even involved in that other sort of high school drama that plagued most people and has become the main subject of any number of poorly made films and TV shows. Back then the dream of filmmaking was very much in the incubation stage.

I don't really remember knowing a whole lot I could do with the dream at the time, except by watching a bunch of movies and speaking about the future as if there wasn't all of this crazy competition. Sure, I wrote some tentative movie scripts, put together some little video shoots with friends, and bit my tongue as my parents called the whole movie thing a phase. It was life lived in a vacuum that I think the internet kids with similar dreams miss out on these days.

The whole high school theater experience always seemed to be an actors only club, therefore I never felt like there was a place for someone like me. The behind the scenes stuff that I might have been good at seemed quite downplayed, so I didn't realize the option at the time. Besides, I was busy for the first couple years of high school right down the hall from the drama folk in the band room.

I know, Band Camp. Blah, blah, blah. The actual music always seemed like the nerdy part to me, so I spent a fair amount of time just fingering. The far more social, female-centric aspect was what it became for me. I did befriend a number of the theater people, and quietly admired several others. It wasn't so much their acting talent that got me, but amazement at how much fucking they were all doing with one another. And in all sorts of interesting combinations, too!

Tonight I went out to our local independent blackbox theater for Bert V. Royal's "Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead", whose director and several cast members I consider friends. I was there to film the performance, so I'm going to be going back tomorrow night to really enjoy and savor the damn thing. I feel like it'll be the first time I've seen the same theatrical production performed more than one time. Isn't that strange?

Okay, so maybe there was the time in seventh grade when I went to "Twelfth Night" at my sister's high school with her and a group of her friends. As it went, the evening's show was cancelled before the second act when one of the actors got stabbed in the eye during a sword fight. So, I guess I saw that show one and a half times. All I seem to recall about it was some strangely fitting Billy Idol and David Bowie music, as well as a couple hot young actresses. Sorry, Bill, but I don't remember your play.