karaoke rules

A karaoke buddy of mine passed this list along to me. My thoughts follow:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF KARAOKE

• Thou shall not jeer, heckle, boo, harass or otherwise interrupt a singer. Be supportive.

I have been a karaoke regular for several years and had never actually seen this happen until last weekend when this one putz decided that making frat boy seal calls was the missing ingredient during every song for a full set. For the longest while I thought it was just one of those activities that only happened in movie reality, given the fact that karaoke still has not seen a good portrayal from Hollywood, but I suppose every three years isn't a bad record.

• Thou shall not drink to the point of intoxication if you are planning to perform.

This is true. I maintain a record of every single song I have performed at karaoke. I can practically write lists when I am asleep. There are songs I have on my list that I simply don't remember getting up for, because I was so ridiculously wasted. I'm sure it was subpar, at best.  

• Thou shall not whine about when your next turn is.

I'm friends with the karaoke DJ at my favorite local dig, so this rule becomes null and void. This is true too of certain other regulars. It is interesting to watch how often others put in songs and leave, though. Perhaps they were abducted but more than likely they got tired of waiting.

• Thou shall not be upset if another performer sings a song you were planning to sing.

I have worked to expand my repertoire to the point that no one ever performs one of my intended tunes. The closest I have come to this was an appearance by one of my tentative tunes during the gap fill time between singers.

• Thou shall not use foul language when at the microphone.

Initially I was thinking about the last time I sang Nine Inch Nails "Closer", but I realize this rule is for those guys (and it's always guys) who decide to add bitches to the end of perfectly fine instrumental moments or decide that fuck will add flow to the lyrics in a place intended for nearly any other word. It's this third grade - my third grade, anyway - mentality that gives karaoke a bad reputation.

• Thou shall not juggle, toss or flip the microphones. Respect the equipment.

Again. This is guys. I have seen this a few times. A microphone quickly becomes a penis. We get it. It's bad enough that people with colds choose to go sing backup on "Baby Got Back". Keep the mics away from your crotch. That said, every karaoke night I go to has a cordless mic. Getting stuck with a corded mic might inspire a quick Pete Townsend swing, just for good measure. Oh, and hypocracy.

• Thou shall not sing along louder than the performer. Respect the singer.

I don't agree with this one. Some people really destroy good memories of very fine songs. They need the assistance. And it goes without saying that people who do the same song every week are to lose respect, five percent at a time.

• Thou shall not join in with a singer unless you are invited.

I know the intention here is to focus on singing along, but you might be surprised to discover that there are karaoke groupies lurking about. They know no boundaries, tend to grind, and often reek of one of the scents from the Britney line.

• Thou shall not carry on loud conversations next to the stage.

I'm not certain what pub the folks who put this list together frequents, but where I go I'll be lucky if I can hear my own conversations, much less need to worry about interrupting the singer. That said, I get involved in the night, as do my fellow karaoke crew. If we're talking, it's often about the goings on of the current singer. It's Mystery Science Theatre's karaoke edition.

• Thou shall applaud! Everyone who performs deserves some attention.

I have grown to really enjoy the audience reaction. You can sense a lot about the vibe of the night by what they respond to.

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