angry johnny

a song that you listen to when you’re angry


Most things aren't worth the energy we expel toward them.

I come from a long line of short fuses. I grew up in a highly tempered household, wherein an inconsistent variety of things could set off one or both of my parents. The floors and paths leading toward their vicinity seemed always paved with eggshells. These days their intimate relationships are few and short-lived and none of their children or grandchildren are anxious to spend any time with them.

They don't always yell and they don't always lose their temper and find things to fume about, but the anger and frustration always hums just below the surface like a muffled generator, constantly fueling the situation. My siblings and I all got hexed with some of the refuse of this upbringing. In our ways we have all done our part to scrub off this influence, but my brother is still a loud person and my sister is a bit of a paranoid. It took me many years to unlearn a lot of their reactionary tactics.

Now I am very chill and might not unleash anger and frustration enough. Although I wouldn't say there's much going on in my orbit that inspires me to get all worked up. Life is rather satisfying and I have become convinced that when it requires a constant fight and triggers issues, your relationships need an overhaul. I have lost many friends over the last couple years, but I don't get upset by it. Instead I feel relief that more of the negative influence and disingenuous people in my life are no longer sapping my energy. I am more selective about who I surround myself with and who I bring into the folds of my present existence.

I think it's better that way.

In my formative years, when I felt the most trapped and overly managed I found relief through some guitar rock, metal, and industrial music. It became a predictable revolt against the status quo that was my disappointing youth. When I first learned to drive and I had something to dwell over, I would crank something hard and heavy until the speakers in the car would buzz in pain. A lot of this music, though still hiding out on my iTunes and in my memory doesn't sound the same to me anymore, but is still a part of my whole. After some time I would begin to find comfort in more contemplative music, full of meaningful lyrics and a more adult spirit that stressed a clearer understanding of life's many potholes and hurdles and less of an us against them dynamic.