thirty three

As a rule, a wave of heavy depression washes over me around my birthday. Few of my birthdays over the years have risen above this. I can count on one hand how many of these days have felt celebratory rather than a reminder of my limited worth and achievement in this world. I have lived with this understanding and expectation for much of my life. I rarely felt worth the trouble of planning a party and would never expect anyone to dare surprise me with one. Many times I would have rather slept through it.

For many of those years, at some point during the days leading up to the fateful one I would find myself with pen and paper - or keyboard, as the case may be - assessing the damage of my own existence. It would be the equivalent of the doorjamb or wall space used to measure the height of children, only mine was more of an inquiry into personal growth. Of course this only occasionally meant what it should. Primarily it was more about all of the ways I was working against the wind toward distant goals and the ensuing steps that had inched me forward over the past year.

I have been living this way for a long time. And I have the psychological scars to prove it. As I have been approaching my third palindrome birthday, I can barely muster the words to express the ways I feel I have grown in the past year. I don't mean to sound disingenuous, but sometimes we can surprise even ourselves. I believe that to be a much more challenging feat and one that doesn't come around often enough.

It has clearly taken me thirty-three years to arrive here, but as semantically messy as it sounds, for the first time in my life I feel alive. I feel peculiarly unfettered to anything, anyone's expectations or demands, or even some script that offers my character description. Simultaneously I don't have a clue who I am and I have never been more certain. I feel free and open to absolutely everything and never have I felt so fearless!

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, the lyric reminds us. Even though it has been a favorite sentiment for some time, it resonates with me now more than ever. For the first time in too many years I look ahead of me and don't see just a single destination in mind. I see them all. Infinite possibilities don't scare me, they energize me. The other day my horoscope was: Accept what comes with open arms. A trusted companion is going to be your best advisor. You can attract valuable tips or earn gratitude or stumble upon a sterling opportunity to mend fences.

I have been spending a bit of time lately trying to catch my figurative breath as I look out these new eyes. One realization I discovered while talking in therapy is that I used to live my life as if it were me against the world and now I realize I am flowing with it. Sometimes life is better without a paddle or even a map. Instead maybe it's better to just let the currents take you where they will.