The life I lead never seems to warrant frequent posts in this journal. I let so much time pass between them. I go about my business, forgetting that I even have one or that I've been neglecting (if nothing else) some facet of myself. I find it far easier to step away from my little-read ramblings than most any other daily distraction that suits my fancy.My main focus of late has been some menial labor in a local theatre. I fill the shoes of a stage manager. The show got underway last week to an opening night filled with strong performances and spirited applause. The review from that particular performance was in the local paper today. It was quite a glowing write-up, giving appropriate credit throughout the talented cast and offering a decent run-down of the play itself.
Tonight we entered our second weekend on a rainy night with some strange energy. Though more responsive than our weakest night last weekend, the audience seemed distracted. Some of this became reflective in the cast as the positive review and dead audience seemingly blended together and seeped into the performances to create a less than stellar evening.
Things were just a bit off, and being in the non-creative backstage position I am, I was left to bear the brunt of actors who disbelieved my encouraging words and who placed me in the continued position of a librarian as I continually attempted to keep everyone quiet while off-stage. There's a disconnect the actors can have between their on-stage and off-stage demeanors that allow them professional strides in front of the audience that quickly becomes conversation and cigarettes backstage. To a point I could only wish for this, since I have to be "acting" in my role the whole time. This leads many to misinterpret me in a variety of ways and creates a wall I'd prefer wasn't there.
The thin line that exists between the social and the professional are one of many things that draw me to filmmaking as a career. I know that theatre moves through a similar space. I get the feeling it is not really my place and I have admittedly reacted quite well to the expected culture shock. What gnaws at me is how I keep getting caught up in this cycle of doing behind-the-scenes grunt work that advances other's goals and helps earn them praise while leaving me nowhere particular.
...
After the show, I walked into my darkened house with tired feet, a tinge of hunger, and minor bruises to my ego. Each step seemed louder than the last as my wet boots smacked kisses upon the wood floor. Following my predictable computer time of checking e-mail and whatnot, I put together some munchies and popped in the "Wonder Boys" DVD. This little gem is one of my go-to films when I'm feeling down about my writing or my career in general.
Add to that, a rotten night at the theatre.
I SO hear you.
ReplyDeleteIt's raining here.
I never knew the cast would sense differences in energy of an audience. That's very interesting. I always assumed applause was applause.
I forget what a stage manager does, it's been so long since I was in the footlights. I think I might have been one? Maybe not. Maybe just prop bitch.
At any rate, you are fantastic and gifted. Art is SO vulnerable and you should give yourself lots of credit for sticking with it, bruised ego and all. You're braver than most of us, I think, and stronger, too.
thanks for the kind words.
ReplyDeletethings have been better since.
perhaps it was merely a hiccup in the show.
sometimes it's nice to see how bad it can be to really see the good.
...see you there soon :)
Man, I wish I could go see it.
ReplyDeleteAnd just as your friendly pseudo-conscious reminding you of all things good, hopeful & relative:
(sorry for long cut & paste below)
After the success of The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, Michael Chabon spent five years working on a second novel. Called Fountain City, the novel was a "highly ambitious opus....about an architect building a perfect baseball park in Florida"[10] that eventually ballooned to 1,500 pages, with no end in sight.[6] The process was frustrating for Chabon, who, in his words, "never felt like I was conceptually on steady ground."
At one point, Chabon submitted a 672-page draft to his agent and editor, who disliked the work. ..."My instincts were telling me, This book is fucked. Just drop it. But I didn't, because I thought, What if I have to give the money back?"
"I used to go down to my office and fantasize about all the books I could write instead."
When he finally decided to abandon Fountain City, Chabon recalls staring at his blank computer for hours, before suddenly picturing "a 'straitlaced, troubled young man with a tendency toward melodrama' trying to end it all."
He began writing, and within a couple of days, had written 50 pages of what would become his second novel, Wonder Boys. ...The author wrote Wonder Boys in a dizzy seven-month streak, without telling his agent or publisher he'd abandoned Fountain City. The book, published in 1995, was a commercial and critical success.
So THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kiki: that is so fantastic!! thank you for sharing that and so far as your interest in seeing the show, there should be a DVD done from the last two nights ... :)
ReplyDelete