fail blog.

In November of last year I put myself up to the challenge of posting:

314 posts with 314 photos with 365 days to accomplish it.

This is image 235. I have been posting chronologically since I started, to maintain a semblance of structure even as time passed. I took this at the end of August. I have likely taken the remaining eighty photos that I'd like to share on here, but I don't have the time. Last week I worked seventy-six hours, the week before didn't kid around, and this week won't be much better. There's no way I can find the chance to finish this challenge. Oh, and my computer's monitor is starting to give me seasickness.

On the plus side, I'm gaining lots of material for future creative projects.

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team colors

Pride.

Why so revered? It's a known deadly sin. Without it we seem without purpose, and drive. We want to take pride in our homes, pride in our work, and pride in our relationships. Yet it truly is an ugly animal, mauled over time by connotation and misuse.

A vision for it has been on my mind lately, as I have tirelessly expended myself attempting to create an atmosphere where pride can live and grow at my tarnished workplace. I have held all of the power, and none of it likewise. When it slips things go to shambles. This was the case when I arrived on the scene two and some months ago. Morale was in the toilet. Energy was held at a whisper. And anger ruled in a slow rumbling, underneath the surface of this place that leans a little to the west into a literal slowly digesting sinkhole.

I have held onto my pride with all my might. I value these things. Home. Work. Connections. I fight till last breath for them. Sometimes it's my own undoing. I don't always seek a tangible pay-off. I find worth in the action itself. I've always enjoyed kicking up dust, so to speak. I am terrible at being stagnant. I react like an animal in a cage, clawing and biting for any alternative.

I have been trapped here for some time, navigating instead through varied travails I've encountered. I didn't expect to be working for this company so long. It was the first shark that bit. Then I fell and fell into what came next. Inadvertent responsibility is tricky. I have invisibly done more than I have with note. I don't enjoy drawing attention to my contributions. But when you're a number, and little more than a dossier, to an amorphous corporate unit such as this, it becomes necessary evil, and a skill I don't have well tailored.

What I see as braggerts and bullshitters, the machine sees as success stories. I have fundamental disagreement with this methodology. It brings to mind a close friend of mine, who is (amongst other things) an actor. He doesn't believe the hype of his own cheerleaders. And he doesn't like to promote himself and network. My experience in the creative industries has shown the colors of these actions to be a self-congratulatory jerk-off cream toned mess. I can fully understand wanting to avoid it at the cost of... dare I say, pride.

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spreading joy

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survival instinct

Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue.
 ~ Hermione Gingold

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floral arrangement

 Welcome every morning with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail.
~Og Mandino

 

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hallow's eve.

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incidental mushroom

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power play

He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.

  ~ Lao Tzu

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forbidden embrace

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trippin' pinks.

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blame less

I didn't do it.

I inherited a ship of fools nearly two months ago. Just as personality clashes and mental tensions were becoming unbearable at the Ghetto Shack, I was offered a vaguely spelled-out store manager position at the Brigadoon Shack. Due to its proximity to my home and its distance from all sorts of malicious intent that were urging me postal, I decided to accept. Flight or fight mode was triggered, and I took the leap.

The highers knew I had put in for extended time off for my wedding and honeymoon when I said I'd give the captain's wheel a spin. The first couple weeks were a grand assessment and overhaul period. The longest there had survived the asshole control freak manager and the kickin' back playing games on his phone manager, so my vibe was something new. They were not used to someone who actually worked, got things done, and expected them to as well. But they also were putting up their fight against change.

I left the store like a teacher would leave the place for a substitute teacher, with detailed assignments and expectations. It was a gamble. And unfortunately the dependability of the whole crew as well as the local managers I asked to oversee can easily be questioned. When I arrived back, it barely looked like I had been there in the first place. I checked in with everyone about their progress through their tasks - that they never signed off on, despite my clarity - and fault was thrown around every which way.

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fertile ground

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

  ~ Langston Hughes

 

Any second grader from my generation could tell you the one about Eskimos having hundreds of phrases to describe snow. Sometimes I wonder why we Floridians don't have a similar manual on how to speak of the rain, given its frequency.

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got game.

Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!
  ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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twisted fate

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overbearing mother.

Momma, do you think she's good enough, for me?
Momma, do you think she's dangerous, to me?
Momma, will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?
- "Mother", Pink Floyd 1979

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time warp.

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act two

The more you are motivated by love,
the more fearless & free your action will be.
◊ Dalai Lama XIV

The last show I directed premiered one year ago, last night. Each and every aspect was a struggle and a fight, that left me longing for a different venue, another collection of board members, and some goddamned dignity. The core group of artists who did ultimately wage the waves with me without jumping ship command my utmost respect.

For a short time, I contemplated submitting a show for the theatre's consideration. Over the past nine months, in fact, I was asked time and again: Are you doing anything next season? What are you directing next? What's your next show? I thought about submitting something partially out of habit and mainly out of yearning to spray my creative juices all over something else.

After the mistreatment the general populace of the behind-the-scenes hacks offered the brilliant piece of theatre I assembled last time out, it appeared the only way to garner their attention and notice was to play it straight and way too safe. It seemed that grit and perversity were much too worrisome for their little minds to take on.

I thought about a few shows that their high school esteem could cheerlead behind that I could likewise add my own particular brand of spice to. I also had my moments of fuck-all, as I reconsidered shows like the unsettling 1979 work, Bent or anything that no one else in this town would have the balls to attempt. But there was nothing I could concieve of putting my blood, sweat, and tears into that wouldn't feel like I was wasting my time for a bunch of amateurs and a likely tainted prospective audience.

Oh, and I suppose there was the little fact that I was getting married. As the year passed, I came to realize such an event shares many attributes with putting on a show.

• BUDGET ($$$) - Whether you love it or hate it, money is a key component to any major undertaking. On previous plays I have done, the above theatre in question offered a reimbursement amount between 200 and 250 dollars, which would presume that a quality show could be put on for that precise amount. I have always disagreed. At ticket prices of ten dollars a pop, I don't believe that amount of moolah can put together squat which would warrant such an entry fee. I was able to pull off the last show for somewhere in the realm of 850 dollars, but the actual retail value far exceeds that given how many things were given to it pro-bono, to say nothing of a fair amount of DIY, which seems the proper buzz word for putting a little freakin' pride into the proceedings. I highly recommend putting yourself into everything you do, regardless the available funds. This is certainly the direction my bride and I took our nuptuals. It doesn't hurt, either, that we are both highly creative individuals who are also really good with money.
• LOCATION - As a wedding is essentially a limited engagement production, finding just the right scene for the folks in question is key. Working the theatre I have for so many years always made the choice an obvious one, but now that things have changed finding another option takes a lot more fore-thought and internal examination. I remember watching Paul Thomas Anderson's masterpiece Boogie Nights in a dingy, piss smelling, grungy dollar theatre that made my boots stick on impact. It was the right place to experience that grimy flick. The choice of venue for a wedding can easily link hands with the tone of the show. We took the better part of our eight month engagement to discover just where our show belonged. Ultimately we decided upon a ceremony venue that accepted our unboxable religious and spiritual belief cornicopia and lent itself to being a place embraceable by each person in attendance. Our reception space was the harder fought decision, which quickly became the obvious answer to the query. We decided on our favorite pub, an establishment with a history itself and for us, positioned on a street corner of much significance.
• PROMOTION - What's the point of putting on a show if no one knows about it? In this new speak age of Facebook and the changed dynamics of social interaction, the release of relevant information was highly considered. In ways we are quite old school. We quietly became engaged and shared the information with close family and friends before presenting the big reveal on the social drone machine. After that we dropped zero hints about any ounce of wedding planning or other adventures we were having, so the few handfuls of people who received our inventive invitation package in the mail by July were understood to be an exclusive lot, and the one-of-a-kind invite was in limited supply.
• CASTING - One can never spend too long in casting. I know from being involved in poorly cast situations. From the month of our engagement until the last few invitations were licked shut and mailed, my fiancee and I toiled over the guest list. Having been harshly shown the true colors of so many so-called friends over the years, we were more assured of the value of people who could see through all of the filth, all of the lies, and were worthwhile participants in our life ahead, as opposed to pawns for someone else's agenda or disingenuous soulless duds. A few additional flies would ultimately drop from view once it became time for the processional. The people who showed up, and gave it their all, and the ones who could not be there but certainly were felt from afar are the ones who continue to hold an invitation to the exclusive inner circle. The rest can sod off.
• SCRIPT - As a self-professed writer, words are significant to me. The tone of a script is often what draws me to material that I would like to share with an audience. The words are important, but so are the spaces between words that draw moment for reflection. Standing in front of our friends and family we heard more than a few people say 'wow' or the like. And there were even welcome moments of levity. The overall response was powerful.
• MUSIC - Music makes all the difference. I don't know if it's related to the choice of music that plays within a movie, at the workplace, in the car, or at a party. If the tone is set inappropriately or arbitrarily, the choice will be the production's undoing.
• COSTUME - If I learned a strong lesson from my first play, I say always have a costumer. Make sure it's their only job. I would certainly contend that my bride and I were the snazziest looking folks at the wedding. It would have been a disappointment if that were not the case. We set down ground rules after that. Everyone needs to wear what they're comfortable in, with the expecation of Florida weather and dancing. Without fail everyone looked like themselves. So much of what goes on inside of each individual was exhibited in their choice of attire. And humorously no one looked like they were going to the same place. The last show I did demanded the actors in essence dress themselves. They were advised to dress like their characters. They were concerned they'd just look like themselves, but in truth they found parts of themselves in their characters and wore that.

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getting hitched

I would climb any mountain
sail across the stormy sea
If that's what it takes me baby
to show how much you mean to me
And I guess that it's just the woman in you,
that brings out in the man in me . . .
  "Feels Like the First Time" (Foreigner, 1977)

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going bananas.

I will have a blushing bride in less than a month.

That sounds like a perfect time to start up a new job, right? Well, the universe seemed to think so. Aspects of the past two months arrive into my memory in a blur. Two months have passed since I was underhandedly demoted from my pseudo-temporary post at my store in the 'hood. Everything there was turned on its head, power struggles ensued, excessive dramas erupted, a mutiny was brewing, and my schedule was in essence flipped.

Now I no longer work there. I bid that old raggedy, stress infested place its due farewell and good riddance yesterday. As of this morning I will be inheriting the trouble on the southwest seas, the S.W. Neglected. In what seems to be likewise surprise attack fashion, I will be taking over the reigns within mere minutes of the lazy, undependable, former manager's forced resignation.

If life were truly a choose your own adventure novel, we'd rarely select the right course of action. Simply following the flow of life as it comes from our hopes, dreams, and prayers, and seeing what doors open and which remain chained, we frequently discover unexpected answers to our problems.

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carbon footprint

From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.
   ~Anaïs Nin

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in patience

Good things come to those who wait.

~ Heinz ketchup

Recently I came across a list of twelve traits of happy people. I think we could all learn something from it. Here's the abbreviated version:

1. Express gratitude.
2. Cultivate optimism.
3. Avoid over-thinking and social comparison.
4. Practice acts of kindness.
5. Nurture social relationships.
6. Develop strategies for coping.
7. Learn to forgive.
8. Increase flow experiences.
9. Savor life’s joys.
10. Commit to your goals.
11. Practice spirituality.
12. Take care of your body.

That said. Time to eat.

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pure morning

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
~ from "When Harry Met Sally" by Nora Ephron

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i peed.

(something about) the next ten songs on your iPod

I'll just dive right in.

(1) "Uprising" by Muse (2009)
Though seemingly seaped in political paranoia, Muse's straight forward pounding anthem is simultaneously an emotional inspiration for the outcast and underappreciated to say nothing of an obvious stripper tune for the Doctor Who nerd set.

(2) "Loverman" by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds (1994)
The disturbed stranger lurking in the dark of many a nightmare is likely modeled off the mug of the brilliant Nick Cave, who does some of his strongest work on 1994's Let Love in. This track is particularly unsettling yet captivating, in the fashion of a gruesome highway pile-up.

(3) "The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson (1987)
Thriller was my childhood! Everything about that record helped to form my musical appreciation, understanding, and expectation. I am one of the millions who are still in disbelief every time a reference is made to Michael Jackson's death. Though personally and psychologically a mad mess, I refuse to dismiss his artistic brilliance that was in high gear through the peak of his career in the 80's. This tune from that album's follow up still cooks, and would no doubt still keep the dancefloor full.

(4) "C'est la Vie" by Robbie Nevil (1986)
This soulful, babymaking tune is sadly long forgotten by most. Even though he charted a few other times in the following years, Robbie Nevil will always be a one hit wonder to me.

(5) "Just Let Go" by Fischerspooner (2005)
A high energy minor hit by the electroclash duo Fischerspooner. It's like a modern day take on an Atari game, and one that I like to play a lot.

(6) "Apologize" by One Republic (feat. Timbaland) (2007)
Sometimes I'm not certain why I love this song so much. The dude on vocals has that vaguely whiny tone in his voice that tends to be the irksome modern sound that has ruined a bit of contemporary music. But then there's the commanding beats, and Timbaland's amusing tag that he seems to offer all he does, like aural graffiti. The truth is I believe this song. There's an emotional texture to it that I just get. And sometimes that's enough.

(7) "Drivin' My Life Away" by Eddie Rabbitt (1980)
If Thriller was music formative to my childhood, urban country circa 1978 to 1982 may have been even more so. I grew up the receipient of myriad musical moments. From my dad, I inherited classic country. The sounds of this period, specifically, find their way on the iPod quite often: Alabama, Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers, Crystal Gayle, Don Williams, Juice Newton, Ronnie Milsap, and of course Eddie Rabbitt. This song and "I Love a Rainy Night" (his follow-up) are a one-two punch time warp.

(8) "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King (1971)
Upon breaking free of the Goffin-King songwriting team (and marriage), Carole King released her first and likely pinnacle work, Tapestry. The namesake says it all, the record weaved together all that was terrific about her: tight melodies, thoughtful lyrics, and some decent guest star friends.

(9) "Shellshock" by New Order (1986)
John Hughes, what wonderful 80's music we should all thank you for helping us discover. His films always intertwined musical experience with life experience. It's a combo I can relate to. This one first showed up in Pretty in Pink, and has consistently found itself onto many a shuffle. I often prefer it to the predictable "Bizarre Love Triangle" and "Blue Monday".

(10) "You Got That Right" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (1977)
Guess I was born with a travellin' bone. When my times up, I'll hold my own. When it comes to Southern Rock, there are few substitutes for these guys. Sometimes it comes down to death. This song is from their three days posthumously released album Street Survivors - the one with the flames behind the band that some would say foretold of their demise. One must wonder whether an anthem like "Freebird" would be the same song if it weren't for the plane crash that took the lives of so many band members.

(11) .... I could have continued, but I've got other things to do.

the grounded

Here's a truck stop instead of St. Peter's
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
~ "Man on the Moon" by R.E.M. (1992)

During the past couple weeks Netflix has been sending my fiancée and I the award winning mini-series From the Earth to the Moon, which neither of us had seen during the fourteen year stretch since its release. What an appropriate time to take a gander at it, since coincidentally Sally Ride recently passed and an SUV of sorts has landed on Mars!

A little known fact: during my sophomore year of college I receieved my highest grade ever (a ridiculously high A) in Astronomy. For one who went from studying elementary education as a paying job fallback for a posited film career to college dropout turned self-taught whoknowswhat, this comes a bit out of left field. But space is facinating! Give me science fact or give me science fiction, especially of the extra-terrestrial variety, and I'm interested.

The mini-series had its aesthetic failings, primarily minor directorial choices, but it was quite in depth. Separate some added trivia for the noggin one of the things that really stood out is the realization that everything great truly happens at a snail's pace. A million tiny steps, circuits, and moments of time move us from big point A to bigger point B.

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pseudo majestic

Am I a part of the cure or
am I part of the disease?
~ "Clocks" by Coldplay

You can taste when love comes out of the kitchen. It's noticeable when food has been prepared with heart and in harmony or with haste and through resentment. A meal made with passion and with regard to the end-user simply holds more flavor.

At the end of the day no fast food is made with love. It's not a place to expect it. Some kid who couldn't get a better job drops the frozen such and such in the deep fryer by rote and on command, not due to any culinary gymnastics or care for the customers. It's passionless. It has no pulse.

I've always enjoyed the whole waffle fry, savory chicken nugget, sweet iced tea meal at Chick-Fila. It's never been political. It's a matter of nostalgia and of taste. When given a choice between the wares of this joint and any of the other on-the-fly folks, they've always won hands down. But it's only fast food. And I haven't been there in eons. Now somehow they've become the poster children for the gay marriage debate.

I think people who oppose it are misguided and wrong, and I'm sad we're still discussing it. End of story. But I do have to wonder whether there'd be anywhere else to buy the things we need or the things we want if a socio-political position was riding on our selection process.


* Here, watch this video.

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