what hypocrisy

hypocrisy (n.) a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not.

Thankgiving is gone.

The polishing of leftovers has wound down.

It could not have gone away fast enough, because we must make room for the next consumer driven holiday to kick into full swing. The turkey wasn't even thawed, much less pre-ordered by the time one of the local radio stations had begun spinning all of the holiday favorites. In fact Starbucks, that tenacious wet Gremlin of a company, started the holiday season by November 2nd.

More on that later.




Having the supposed minority opinion around the holidays (PC code word for Christmas foremost and Hanukkah as the occasional afterthought) makes it imperative to shut the hell up as everything begins to glimmer with predictable end of the year glow, marked by sale signs, Santas, and sanctimony. The holiday specials with the celebrity of the minute decked out in all of their shot-in-the-middle-of-August red and white (pardon!) gaiety are aired in defiance to quality and taste.

Christmas is one of those things that leech itself underneath the surface of your consciousness from a young age. It usually begins with an innocent enough visit to some shopping mall knock-off of this old mystical philanthrope lard ass whose story reads a lot like the boogieman with a stable full of pets addicted to meth. It's ingenious to plant all of these lies into children, whether it's Claus or Christ, because they are apt to believe absolutely anything they're told.

For me the trouble arises when I try to stop playing contrary and nestle up amongst all of the Pagan baggage the season offers. Giving in means hearing the Christians babble on about the reason for the season, almost as if they "won". Meanwhile the cash registers ding, the credit card rates sky rocket, and the tinsel glimmers almost gold, emitting the true reason, which is to enter the next quarter sitting pretty. Every year, it's the same thing, as our culture's over-emphasis on consumption and materialism continues milking that same cash cow of Jesus' supposed b'day. I would love to see the same fuss being done for Martin Luther King, Jr's holiday which is right around the corner and maybe serves us up a single day off from work and a poor whimper of register action. Why not combine the two and have a greater big ol' gift giving, shopping extravaganza?

It's like a disease, this Christmas thing, when under the command of tradition and expectation people either do too much or too little, or in my case adapt enough or spoil everybody's good time. A drive through any neighborhood in the greater West Palm area will demonstrate that even some Jewish folks feel the need to get in on the gauche holiday home decor action donning their strings of blue lights across their gutters. We hike up our electric bills, chop down forests, add to landfills, and clutter up one another's life in some misfire effort to do what? Perhaps to find redemption for a year's worth of relationship negligence. Maybe this is just Valentine's Day without the sex.

But seriously, I really love this time of year: the graying of the clouds, the chilling of the air, the hum of the heater, and the fall of the first snow. The seasonal change is an absolute necessity and a validation of the arc of life, and the normal gloominess is more honest than what we get where I live. Florida has very little resemblance to any of this and I have to stir up memories of my youth to retain some grasp. It's not all bad, right? There is something to be said for the strains of a Christmas song quelling up inside your head that first time of several hundred you'll hear it. Maybe a kiss under the mistletoe is sweeter and softer than one under a bare ceiling. Perhaps hot chocolate is better with a group of friends. And there is something to be said for hearing from an old friend out of the blue in the brevity of an end of the year card.

I think the problem is that this is all a manufactured reality, a dictated normalcy.

The first week of November I was sitting inside a Starbucks that looks very much like the one in your hometown. This has sadly not been an uncommon evening during this past year, as an obscene amount of my bank account has paid some latte maker's rent. Halloween had just dissipated, and what should appear all across the windows of this location of that coffee-music-dishes-dessert-games establishment but Christmas paraphernalia. And holiday tunes were the entirety of the playlist. See, it's a disease and this year it consumed the entire month of November. But I know how it works, they were not piping in those tunes to enhance some advanced holiday spirit. No, this was a backhanded means to shuffle Christmas CDs and other seasonal product off the shelves.

I often group Starbucks together with Walmart, but I have had a much easier time boycotting the latter. On the other hand people seem to denigrate my distaste for entering those Starbucks establishments, which I have taken to coping with quietly at this point, by countering with the like of comments about how well they treat their employees.

That's not really the point. They represent a bigger problem of the mono-culturalization of our society, wherein the biggest variety between different Starbucks locations is its placement in proximity to William-Sonoma or the Pottery Barn. I suppose this place is there to offer a false sense of home, but they are as inconsistent as they are insincere. There's even something about each and every Starbucks employee that I have ever encountered that harkens back to "The Stepford Wives". But I keep going in, slapping down the cash, and guzzling their adequate beverages. I think rationalizing is the instant response to doing the wrong thing, so I won't bother doing so.

I appreciate going against the grain. This is why I understand when my brother-in-law swerves to Judaism in December and my father-in-law closes himself up away from all the hype like a modern day Scrooge. I realize that I will still dress up that artificial tree we bought last year, move the Christmas songs back into the music library, and give into more and more trips to Starbucks with friends and family. I give into my reluctance, not because my principles and perspectives have no merit, but because sometimes it's better to not rock the boat or be a killjoy, and to let majority rule.

Bah-Humbug!

dream some

I received an e-mail from a colleague yesterday that was sent to a heaping helping of his filmmaking compatriots about a really unique filming opportunity he'd heard about. It involves living and working on a documentary shoot in Antarctica over the course of two months, much like "March of the Penguins", "Deadliest Catch", or the "Planet Earth" series, starting next week. I actually pondered this prospect for a bit, but I realize that even though my technical skills are growing, I don't suspect the full breadth of them could surface under such climactic duress. But given the ironing out of certain logistics, it does make me wonder if this might have been the sort of thing I need to resolve a number of the gnawing issues in my life.

Issues like my yearning for somewhere beyond the reaches of my backyard, because living in this small college town frequently gets to me with its limitations and predictability. I know that I belong elsewhere and this place is merely a waiting room for the rest of my life. My mind often wanders to the bigger and better opportunities that might exist in places like New York, Toronto, London, or even New Zealand, Minneapolis, or Austin. The far reaches of the globe are merely mirages in my vision and beyond my grasp, but I feel displaced.

Or there's my need to tweak my technical skills and overcome my failings. I learn really well in a trial by fire setting and nothing could be a better instant education than filmmaking on the high seas near the barren wasteland of Antarctica. I know that's too much adversity for me, given the film that I was going to work on in January may have been a place to tweak some of that, but many other things dictated that choice.

Then there's the disconnect I feel with my family. I think about the common bond between my father and my brother. They both spent time in the Navy and they both are sailors at heart. Would living and working on a ship with my uncertain sea legs have meant anything to better relating to them and feeling a kinship I never receive while trying to divert attention from weather conversation with my dad or incongruent banter I'm likely to have with my brother?

It's the easy answer to look outwards for some quick fix to the disappointments in one's life. I know this whole mess doesn't sound like "my kind of thing", but I'm always trying to alter other's expectations of me. I do envision these pirates with cameras hanging out on board this frozen metal deathtrap that is far more suited to someone else. The fact that I'd even consider it unearths truths about what I wish my life looked like. I long to see the world, to live somewhere where people would actually care to visit, to become a stronger filmmaker, and to find a means to connect with the hopelessly distant people in my life.

Is that too much to ask?

mending fences

After an internal tug-of-war and with much anguish I closed the book on that film project set to roll in January. Since then I've been tossing the whole mess around in my head. Instead of spotting defeat as I stand before the rubble of this lost opportunity, I see a small personal victory. As immodest as that may read this mere footnote in my life feels like a turning point.

I'd like to think I have gained a semblance of control over my life. I've spent so much time selling myself short with my self-deprecating humor and urge to please that it was time to open my eyes wide enough to actually see a dilemma, a choice. I do wonder what my decision to not do that film means. What's next, really? The New Year is coming. I feel like I need to make plans, to have some concept of what will disappoint me at the end of 2008. What can I decide to do, to be, to act like, to see, to have, to [other verb] during this year that will define my perception of self at the other end of it?

blood ties

Thanksgiving...

It's that all-American establishment promoting gluttony and excess, antiquated in a time of expansive obesity and gross impoverishment. Few really need to bulk up for the winter months ahead like bears preparing for their hibernation. We gorge ourselves silly on starches, sweets, and overstuffed meat. We pick, nibble, and grind on our bonus guest who clearly didn't RSVP in time to get a place setting. The tryptophan stands as both the perfect punishment for fowl consumption and necessary panacea for long periods with one's family. The loopy relaxation works well with families like mine whose sharp edges are concealed just under the surface of a veneer created from years and years of ritualistic tolerance and civility.

I went into the holiday hoping to see things with the theoretical new eyes I've been adjusting to for the past month or so, perhaps looking forward to some new wrinkle or alteration only visible through these other lenses. Mostly things were the same as usual, with everyone fulfilling their expected role, hitting their mark at the right beat like a stale performance in a long-running play. The first bite of cooled-off food followed grace, a blessing offered to "their" God, with the predictable pre-meal jab toward my deference. They always try to point out that I'm different in their under-handed fashion, this time expecting that I have something to say that goes with this particular holiday, as if I must be a member of some cult who has a special chant to open the official turkey slaughter day.

Sure, the day was predictable. There's a known significance to sharing a meal with someone. This common experience often creates an attachment and bonding. With my family I see things differently. There's an awkwardness and discomfort associated with the fancy dining room table, the cloth, the candles, and the wine glasses. These are traditional notions from etiquette guides and long-passed eras that tense my shoulder muscles and tighten my belly to the point of hearing nothing but the clink of silverware to china and incite fear of the incidental table cloth tuck where a napkin should be.



I often find family gatherings to be forced, uncomfortable, and out of place amongst a year of spending most waking hours and evening feasts with so many others. It's strange that we go back to give thanks with the nuclear unit in a world with so many new meanings for the word community and family. Leaving the fold and seeing a world outside of the traditional family construct I grew up with has slowly eroded my perception of that as the end all and be all.

burning bridges

"When you don't know where you are going, every road will take you there." (Yiddish Proverb)

My mind has been churning and my stomach has felt twisted over the past couple days. I've felt torn down the middle over the concept of letting go of this new movie. Every turn has left me feeling out of place or even very much in the wrong place. I detect something's not right with this one, but I'm nervous about turning my back on it since this town is limited on its opportunities.

I think it's a risk to say no. I've been flaked out on before and don't want to be perceived like that here. I'm just not sure I'm a good fit for this one. I don't suspect I can get better communication from them, or build a better rapport, or have any of my script suggestions heard, or suddenly become promoted to my agreed upon position. I just don't care, and I have this need to be involved with projects I can be more passionate about.

wearing thin

I finally heard back from the producer of that movie in January. Over the past several weeks it has become a ridiculous game of innumerable scheduling conflicts and limited to no communication. I was beginning to question what this might suggest about actually working with the guy. Then I began to reconsider doing it at all. Just when I started to write him and his project off of my radar completely, he popped back in only to reschedule with me once more.

Against my better judgment, I decided to attend the meeting today. I brought the script, the five pages of alteration suggestions I put together, and some other things I'd worked on, ready to have a good dialogue about this flick we're preparing to work on. Unfortunately all of this enthusiasm I brought to the party was quickly deflated.

The most glaring issue is that he has me assigned to a completely different job title than the one we'd discussed three weeks ago. He made some dumb apology for having given me "that impression". There was never a question in my mind. At our first meeting I made certain he reiterated it for me. I think he's making a mistake. This new job completely under-utilizes my skills and strengths.

I wasn't certain going in whether or not I'd mention my displeasure with the troubled script, in my pre-determined tactful fashion. As our time was winding to a close, and I needed to be elsewhere, I decided to drop the bomb. I would've felt dishonest with myself not even alluding to my tub of ideas I feel can really improve their concept.

I merely asked how different he thought the final draft might look. That about did it. I opened up a big ol' can of arrogant, but illogical, worms with that one. Given the time constraint I mentioned that I could e-mail him some of my thoughts so he could have more time to mull them over. I didn't want to put him on the spot and have him pull together a quick retort.

Unfortunately he got me to make one point, which got a prompt interception of silly, less than logical rambling that culminated with "the whole movie is leading up to the last fifteen minutes". I hate to state the obvious, but all movies are. I decided to jump on the e-mail idea again in an effort to divert attention from the wall my statement hit. I think it's a pretty major flaw. I wasn't even nit-picking. If that's the response I get from the writer's brother, then I just don't know what to do. If anything.

I know what it's like to write with blinders on. The whole world just doesn't get it or some variation. When things are going well, it feels like Christmas morning. Most of the time things are not going so well, though. Creating from nothing and getting all of these elements onto the linear plain of eight and a half by eleven from that more fluid mental place is no easy feat.

A lot of times the average reader misses what would come from a deeper look, however sometimes they're right on the mark but the writer fears their influence. I fully understand the weighty prospect of other people's fingers on your "baby". I've been there! But let's call making a movie with a low budget high school. Well, in my opinion they're going in making first grade mistakes. Maybe that's the mark they want to hit, though. He was damn proud to attest to killing off most of the characters at the end of all of their movies. Can you say cop-out?

time tunnel

I love live music!

Whether it means listening to some one-a-kind performance tucked away on an otherwise sorry compilation CD, tuning into Austin City Limits or CMT Crossroads or the long gone MTV unplugged or VH-1 Storytellers, or simply going to a show, the core of musical passion comes from being near it.

Before last night, it had been three long years since I'd been to a concert. It was October 2004 at Hard Rock Live in Orlando, and possibly the penultimate concert experience of my life. For years I didn't know I was waiting for the Pixies to reunite. It had seemed like a forgone conclusion that I'd never get to see them live, but then it happened. The clouds separated and a minor miracle occurred.

You can always get a sense of people's familiarity with the music at a concert based on their bodily response. There were so many young kids traipsing around and dancing about, clearly introduced to the band during the end credits of "Fight Club", and possibly having full knowledge of the singles collection. I remember having these strange feelings of entitlement, as if I wanted to be there far more than other people, but I know the high school version of me that constantly cranked up the Pixies to my parent's displeasure was hardly in the league of fan that knew them since the Purple Tape days. What is it about fandom that makes people so competitive?

In my mind, it was hard to follow up the Pixies show. Nonetheless, the Shiny Toy Guns concert was a hell of a lot of fun. They are a band on the rise, as they say, with only five years under their collective belt. I'd only first heard about them when I saw their video to the infectious dance-pop-rock "Le Disko" on MTV2 some late night last year. I was absolutely smitten two or three beats in. It was like something pulled directly from new wave rotation, circa 1983.

Some might want to pass off their sound as derivative for this very reason. Although they, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Kaiser Chiefs all wear the synth nature of new wave on their sleeves, in ways they all happen to create more solid albums than their single-heavy 80's one-shots. I was actually quite impressed by the show. The band has a tight if tailored sound on the album, however the true test is on stage and I'd say they're even better in concert.

The opening act was a nice Florida electronica duo called Indigovox, who mixed in performance art with their quite competent dance beats. The singer was a young woman who kept reminding me of pictures I'd seen of Tina Yothers (from "Family Ties") in her later years when she darkened her hair and started a rock band.

The venue was this club called Common Grounds that I think has a fun little history. There used to be a coffee house called Common Grounds. They moved locations a number of years ago, to a location that was previously a venue called the Covered Dish. Now they're a music venue/bar that doesn't serve coffee even though their name remains the same.

Ten years ago I saw the South Carolina funk-jam band Uncle Mingo there when it was still the Covered Dish, which might have been the best "small" show I've ever seen. Their show had so much energy and not a single person in the crowd was still the whole time. I think it was part of their shtick, but I remember their keyboard/saxophone player Jason Moore getting up on a pogo-stick and playing his sax simultaneously. Knowing the sax from five years of school band, I can assure you it's no small task.

The whole time I've been writing I've been thinking about the way I am interpreting live music here. It's assuming the definition of concert isn't merely being in close proximity to someone performing music, because in that case all of the free downtown smooth jazz and guys with acoustic guitars on the street during the Micanopy Fall Festival would figure in. I guess Joni Mitchell was right.

Nobody stopped to hear him

Though he played so sweet and high

They knew he had never

Been on their TV

So they passed his music by

(from "For Free" - 1970)

dawned upon

We don't see things as they are.
We see things as we are."
(Anaïs Nin)

A month ago I wrote this about my friend's party:

It's all shallow chit-chat anyway, often just obligatory due to spatial proximity and not real interest. I hate feeling like I crashed somebody's party when I was invited.

Last night I decided to go to this month's party complete with the eating, the boozing, the music, and the fire pit, and I had a glorious time. The location was the same, but to me it was entirely different.

There are so many issues within my psychological make-up that I have been steadily trying to peel away like old, moldy wallpaper stuck to plaster. It has put me in this odd place of late that has made me feel simultaneously empowered and fragile within my own skin. The guarded, private persona that I've worn as a shield for so long and held at my core is being pried apart by my own volition.

I'm hardly an open book, but I fear what it will make of my creative urges. Over the years I've often thought there's something about self-loathing and depression innately wired into those blessed with artistic abilities and creative proclivities. Might I ultimately cozy up too close to my flaws or carve away one too many scars of unresolved issues at the cost of continued inspiration?

tick tocked

Daylight saving time started again today.

Regardless of its original intent, I think it has become little more than an exercise in altering circadian rhythms, giving people similar mindless tasks, and a means to control the inevitable. There's always the requisite confusion as darkness overtakes rush hour and the systematic timepiece adjustment, but what it comes down to is attempting to harness the biggest pendulum of them all.

We are owned by the clock, yet we fight it with our down to the minute news, our express checkout, our fast lane, our to-go everything, our packages hitting their destination at breakneck speeds, our high speed internet, and all the rest. Being able to move that minute hand gives us great power. It's as if we briefly time travel during this paradoxical sliver of time. In the spring an hour goes forever un-lived and in the fall we have our own sixty minute version of "Groundhog Day".

When I was in grade school I would set my alarm clock a number of minutes ahead in an attempt to psych myself out. If I gave away all of those minutes I wouldn't risk riding my bike onto school grounds after the patrols had departed for class and after the pledge had already been regurgitated. This fuzzy logic never really worked, so I continued to arrive late to school for years to come. These days I try to live by my own rhythms, frequently away from the time clock and nonchalant toward a sleeping schedule, but a clock is always ticking nearby and a life will always be measured in time.

amateur hour

"Comedy is tragedy plus time." (Mark Twain)



We took in some local stand-up tonight at the dimly lit lounge of the Holiday Inn. That in itself has a depressing ring to it. One after another brave, young soul stepped behind the microphone to deliver five to six minutes of material to a small, quiet crowd. It was one of those occasions when you expect feedback to shriek through the speakers, allowing the performer a moment to run away from their flaming crash already in progress with some of their dignity intact. Clearly this weekly comedy show is but a training ground for many years to come of futons and Top Ramen.

Getting up in front of an audience is no easy feat. It must be twice as hard while attempting to stroke a room full of funny bones. The evening wasn't all bad, but as predicted for this sort of thing the end result comes down to averages. Of the ten guys (yes, only guys) that performed maybe three of them were deserving of the spotlight and a few others were downright despondent by the lack of applause, laughter, and love the audience was offering. We were supposedly a "shit audience", to quote one Lenny Bruce wannabe. In the middle was everyone else, who seemed to have either too little material, decent material but no idea when the joke was over, an incessant need for audience validation, the occasional minority "joke" misstep that marred the rest of their set, or some combination therein.